Naval Meetings: Where ‘Minutes’ are More Important than Hours

The Indian Navy, like any other governmental organization, loves meetings. So much so that if meetings were ships, we would have achieved Sea Control over lake Baikal in no time.

Some naval meetings are aimed at planning campaigns, others at improving logistics. Even others deal with the topic ‘manpower reduction’ (phrased of course, more impressively as ‘Optimal utilization of Human Resources in the everchanging maritime domain’) – the unanimous conclusion of most being that one needs more manpower.

Mostly however the meetings result in absolutely nothing. Or, in more meetings. Some meetings in fact are about meetings.

Let me describe a typical meeting in the Navy – Say one chaired by a reasonably senior Big Boss (BB).

The Pre-Meeting Meeting

A meeting announcement is cue for a pre-meeting meeting. As no one is too sure about what is on the BB’s mind, the agenda of pre-meetings is two fold – briefing the local boss on what should absolutely NOT be said, or what MUST be said if asked something by the BB directly.  

Thereafter, a folder of impressive thickness is prepared for the boss by the Staff, comprising almost anything that the subordinates could think of. Quantity is preferable over quality here. A large number of multi-coloured tags and page markers (so that the boss can whip out references quickly), are a must.  

I have noted that the truly well prepared carry a backup folder. Comprising backup excuses.

The Preparations

The BB Staff meanwhile prepares the meeting room. This includes the all-important seating plan. Nothing causes more internal strife in the Navy than an incorrect seating plan where someone a day junior is seated closer to the BB than one er, a day senior. Wars after all have started over less important reasons. You will be seated close to the BB if you are very senior, or in rare cases, very unfortunate.

Another way to decode the seniority of attendees is by the chairs.  It is generally plastic chairs in the far corner for the lightweight bums, progressively increasing in the cushioning as the bums get heavier, till one arrives at the single, cushioned, highbacked, distinctive swivel chair for the BB.

Next in importance at naval meetings come the refreshments. The Navy has of late, alas, done away with heavy refreshments during meetings. Attendees must make do with some Toffees/Cashew/Almonds, wrapped in some very crinkly cellophane.

It is thus common, especially when the BB is in the midst of a deeply reflective discourse, say on the grave issue of improper haircuts, for one youngster (the slide transition ‘clicker’. I will circle back to him later), to pick that very precise moment to reach for the toffees and unleash the disconcerting crinkling, causing the BB to pause mid monologue.

The fauj of course marches on its tummy and the Navy is no different. The lack of refreshments during the meeting is compensated with a ‘standeasy’, a quaint naval term for a tea break – the only period during any meeting that finds enthusiastic participation by one and all.

Ordinarily, meetings chaired by the BB would have pastries, samosas, dhoklas, assorted biscuits, complemented with hot/cold coffee/tea, etc etc. It is well established in naval circles that the success or failure of a meeting is dependent entirely upon the quality of snacks served during the standeasy.

‘How was the meeting?’

‘The dhoklas were excellent!’

Enemy Intelligence agencies, should they have their ears to the ground, could gain a lot of information about morale in our Navy merely by analysing the standeasy menus. Soggy samosas – depressed rank and file. Fluffy Chicken Puffs – ready to blockade Papua New Guinea.

A Few Words on PPTs

The Navy I am happy to state, trains its people well for PPTs. A good 85% of the all-important mid-career ‘Staff Course’ at Coonoor is devoted towards developing well structured slides. (Topics such as tactics, planning, logistics, etc take up the balance 15%.)

Thankfully after going through an era where PPTs comprised only animations and no content, we have arrived at a consensus that they take away from the importance of the topic under discussion – say stray dog menace.  (Incidentally, this topic has shown tremendous staying power and has been a hot button one ever since I joined the Navy in 1987. Various measures have been deliberated and directives issued from time to time. The end result being that the dog menace has increased. I will write about this important topic some day.

All naval meeting PPTs starts thus:-

“Request approval to start Sir? (The BG nods gravely). Over the next 30 minutes, the topic will be covered under heads shown on the screen.” (This start is sacrosanct.)

Should a ‘senior’ officer be presenting, he will have another officer (the plastic chair occupying bum introduced earlier as the ‘clicker’) come all the way, sometimes at considerable expense by flight, to well, ‘click’. (Senior officers have a well-known aversion to ‘computers’. They, while arguing passionately at various meetings for enhancing automation and optimal use of IT, maintain, as does a cat from a bath, a safe distance from computers.  Clickers thus, are the most operational assets in the room. Without them we would just be left admiring Slide 1.)

The presenter of course peppers his talk with words like paradigm shift, sanguine, ipso facto, linearity, bandwidth, granular, RMA (Revolution in Military Affairs). The trick I have learnt is to use words that impress everybody but enlighten nobody, often the presenter included.

Pointers for the naval meeting Sufferers

• Listeners need to look well prepared for the meeting. One/two files liberally pasted with red/yellow/blue page markers alluded to earlier, help.
• Open said files occasionally at any random page and peer intently into them, as if to cross check something the speaker has just said. Having done that, give an ‘in agreement’ nod. But nod with care though. Overly enthusiastic nodding may encourage the BB to think you are volunteering for more work.
• If the speaker solicits feedback, desist from jumping up hands raised, like a front bencher in primary school. Pause to ascertain your boss’s viewpoint first. Once ascertained, go as effusive as an uncle discovering WhatsApp forwards,  or dismissive, as the case may be.
• Never ever have an expression on your face that shows you are thinking nothing.
• Ask a lot of questions. Nothing impresses the BB more. Never to the BB though; that would severely jeopardize your chances of promotion.
• And be careful, your questions should not make you look like an idiot. A simple way around if you’ve got nothing (which was not that infrequent in my case) – just rephrase what the speaker has already said with a “do you mean to say……….”. Or, “correct me if I’m wrong. ……”. Or even more impressively, a paraphrasing of – “Can the revised underwear white entitlements be applied to socks nylon black mutatis mutandis?”
• The truly experienced listeners though, are the ones who have mastered the art of seeming engaged with an occasional ‘I largely concur’, while keeping some wriggle space for backing out.
• Should a graph come up, remember that a ‘Down’ arrow is an occasion to crinkle your brows and express concern. Up arrows, Bar/pie charts can be ignored.

End of PPT

The end of the PPT and/or meeting brings forward the need for decisions. Which in turn brings to the fore two very important sentences – ‘This needs further deliberations.’ Or, ‘let us examine it on file.’  These sentences provide the ‘feel good’ factor while papering over the collective indecision.

Concluding Remarks

The BB concludes the meeting by advising everyone that – ‘Going forward, we need to think out of the box’, leaving everyone else wondering – “Which box?”

The ‘Minutes’ of Naval Meetings

Nothing is more important about a meeting than its Minutes. These are fascinating documents because they are as far removed from the actual discussions as diet plans are from samosa chaat. They allude to the exhaustive discussions undertaken and the quantifiable advantages accrued. 

In actual fact, the Minutes are prepared by the BB’s Staff, before the Meeting. Action points are assigned and deadlines fixed with an understanding that both will be rediscussed for the next four meetings. Obviously therefore, they have little corelation with the actual discussions. Disagreements with its contents on the part of subordinate bosses, if any, are put to rest by adding this exquisite line at the end of the Minutes – These Minutes have the approval of the BB.

Life meanwhile goes on outside the Conference room. Outcomes too, move independently of the discussions within. I know for example, that discussions over a swimming pool at one station have now made it an aspirational dream, having been discussed over 19 annual meetings. Additional vehicle parking areas is another such long term strategic objective still being examined ‘on file’.

PS – If the above made you smile, please forward it to two other friends who love meetings