Beauty Queens, Chief Guests and Cliches

Many famous humour writers advise thus – ‘Do not use clichés.’ I say, ‘stuff and nonsense’. Our very existence is clichéd… Please allow me to buttress my argument with two examples. Beauty contests and Chief Guests.

Let Us Start With Beauty Contests

Most of you dear readers, would have watched at least one or two ‘beauty contests’, or snippets thereof. In my case, I have watched innumerable ‘Navy Queen’ contests during the annual Navy Ball held at most naval stations.  (And was a key participant once, in 1994. Not as a contestant thankfully, but as a minor, much harassed cog.  Those keen can read the full episode here). I consider myself thus, quite an authority on the subject.

I am also confident that should I ever muster the courage to wear speedos, I will be a shoo in till the swim wear round at least. Why? Because I would have aced the previous Q&A rounds. If any of my 12 readers are future contestants, feel free to borrow from my clinching suggestions below.

Q – Who has inspired you the most, and why?

Based on my keen analysis of the various Navy Balls, 97% of all winners limited themselves to just two alternatives – ‘Mother Teresa’, or ‘My Mother.’  Both choices allow you to slip in sentences about her selflessness, her beauty and her inner strength. Then add some references to her compassion, her grace and femininity. Notice the beauty of this answer – the answer to the ‘Why?’ can remain the same with any other personality too. Unless of course you have chosen Mike Tyson.

Q – What would winning the title mean to you?

Caution – Keep in mind that when our Upanishads say Satyameva Jayate (Truth alone triumphs), they were written in more innocent times. In today’s world, it is practical to avoid honesty. So for heaven’s sake, don’t gush about the prize money, the ensuing career in modelling and/or movies, and glamour.

Instead, go with clichés like, ‘the crown is not just for me, but for all the women in India. I would like to give them a voice to highlight issues of gender equality and inspire them to spread their wings and soar higher.’ End with, ‘Winning would be good, but even if I don’t, I will go back richer.’

And don’t worry if some judge throws any other out of syllabus question. Please peruse my well researched and authoritative cliché answers below and mix and match as convenient:-

• Thank the questioner  – ‘I’m glad you asked this question…’
• Express gratitude to teachers, parents and most importantly the organisers of the pageant.
• No matter how much you want to give the other participants a solid kick in the butt, don’t forget to express your admiration for them. ‘They are all winners’.
• Always tell them about your burning desire to “give back to society”.
• ‘World peace’ is always useful when nothing else comes to mind.
• And to wrap up, praise the judges to high heaven. In fact, on this subject, you cannot over do it.

Moving on to Chief Guests

Having armed future contestants with the wherewithal to succeed, let me move onto the topic of Chief Guests. I was holding the rather grandiose designation of Chief Staff Officer to the Flag Officer Commanding, at a Naval Station a few years back. And in that capacity, I had once been invited to be the Chief Guest at the Annual Day of a local school. Though this was my only such experience, I consider myself, as with beauty contests, well qualified to talk on the subject.

I have noticed for example, that whether at a school sports day, or at an award function for the ‘best cello tape’ producer, the Chief Guest .…

• Would have spared his valuable time from his exceptionally busy schedule.
• Has given the MC immense pleasure and honour, to introduce him.
• Needs no introduction (the audience of course knows that a 10 minute introduction is about to follow).
• Is an inspirational leader, the last word on emulsified vegetable oils (or whatever his profession is), but is most of all, a good human. (In case of paucity of time, any of the foregoing can be dropped, but never the good human part.)
• And will be finally, invited to share a few words of wisdom (by exhorting the audience to give a huge round of applause.)

Wait a minute. Where am I going with this. Oh yes! Sorry for getting lost in all those clichés. I had wanted, actually, to talk about my experience as a Chief Guest. Ladies and gentlemen, if you are ever invited to be one, run for cover. And I’ll tell you why.

I was initially puffed no doubt, but then the tactless Headmistress (who had come to deliver the invitation card) let it slip in that I was actually the fourth choice – after my boss, the District Collector and the local police DSP. It grated, but I can be stoic.

I presented myself at the school gate, shampooed and scented at the indicated time and was greeted by the Headmistress with a handshake; and by one scrubbed ten year old with a bouquet. I, wanting to appear the ‘jolly uncle’ figure patted the kid on the head. And regretted immediately. For there was oil. Quite a bit. The kid’s mom obviously loved Parachute.

 It took quite some surreptitious rubbing of my hand on the seat of my trousers to get it off.  

The Headmistress had lined up some of the important faculty/staff (all women) for introducing them to me. This turned into a wholly unwanted comical pantomime.  Somewhat unsure of the protocol, but remembering that the Headmistress had offered a handshake, I offered one to the first teacher. She went with ‘namaste’.

A quick learner me, I went with namaste for the next teacher. Naturally, she went for a handshake. Flustered, I just stood in front of the third teacher onwards like an idiot, my entire body tense with anticipation – Will it be a handshake? Will it be a namaste? I compromised by standing in that classic yoga ‘ardhnamoste asana’ pose that can be best described as –

Right hand semi outstretched, ready for a handshake. Left one held across the chest ready for a namaste.

Not a shining moment for me.

The function, as is the norm with school functions, started with the Headmistress introducing me, duly incorporating all of the clichés listed earlier. The handshake/namaste sequence had drained me considerably. Hence hearing myself praised and my many imaginary achievements applauded, perked me up considerably.

Sadly, it was all downhill thereafter. For what followed was a combination of dances with kids exercising freedom of choice and doing pretty much whatever they wanted. Most seemed disciples of Sunny Deol for I could not gather whether they were doing the Kathak or Karate, or merely imitating traffic policemen. This was followed by more than a few songs – all sung with great enthusiasm to the tempo of an energetic tango, while the music teacher was playing the Waltz. Anu Malik would have approved.

It was a trying time for me to keep looking engrossed. Made more so by the blasted school photographer who would spring out in front of me just as I was about chomp on a samosa. Moreover, I had also sighted the overzealous fool attempting candid photographs just when I had this uncontrollable urge to yawn. Had to make do with those strange mandible movements, while keeping the mouth closed.  Yes, he kept me on my metaphorical toes.

The function got over in due course, and then suddenly I heard that dreaded sentence – ‘May I invite the Chief Guest to share a few words of wisdom. A huge round of applause everyone.’

The huge round of applause was of course tiny. Some parents I noticed were already slinking off and I could sense that the kids just wanted to get home. 

I wanted to slink off too. But then I had a brainwave. I wound up my speech within two minutes with this gem – ‘Dear children, in recognition of the hard work put in by you all, I have requested the Headmistress to declare tomorrow a holiday.’ The kids raised the greatest hurrah possible and brought the roof down. Through the din and falling roof tiles, I could see that the Headmistress was gaping at this unexpected twist.

Serves her right for going for the fourth choice.

PS – If the above made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.