All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

What was your most prized purchase once you started earning? Amongst young naval officers it was a vehicle – which in our case in the late 1980s was a ‘two wheeler’. Aah the freedom that a scooter/motorcycle gives! The joy of one’s hair flying in the wind, the exhilaration of acceleration, the irritation of smoke/dust in one’s eyes. Incomparable.

I remember those days when most of our batch of 60 odd officers had bought two wheelers within the first year of joining the Navy – the more flamboyant ones went for Yezdi/Bullet (and an occasional Java), the less so went with RX100/TVS Suzuki and the staid ones, me included, bought scooters (LML, Bajaj). The Navy was, and is, quite strict with the helmet rule and driving without one would invite severe disciplinary action. So, the non-flamboyant but practical ones went with the cheapest option – just a helmet. A few friends revving up their steeds to go out to town for a jaunt would see these practical ones don their helmets and hop onto any friendly officer’s back side (the scooter’s backside I mean, not the officer’s).

Two wheelers of course have become quite reliable nowadays, but it was not always so. These steeds were temperamental beasts in the 1980s with each brand needing certain unique ‘touches’ for it to be coaxed to life.  The starting routine for a Bajaj scooter for example was as follows:-

Don helmet. Approach the scooter. Catch the handle with one hand and the seat with the other. Give a sharp yank and tilt the scooter at about a 45 degree angle. Hold position for five seconds. Put scooter back on even keel. Kick the starter pedal and rev the accelerator slightly and ‘vroom’ the scooter would start with a satisfying purr.

But then does every human relish karela (bitter gourd)? No. Some vegetarians go for cauliflowers, some brinjals and some others prefer weeds. Some non vegetarians prefer chicken legs while others go for buffalo’s tongue, pigs’ ears, or gizzards. Individual Bajaj scooters similarly, had their own idiosyncrasies and the aforementioned procedure is only a generic guideline. Some needed the tilt to be much more than 45 degrees such that the scooter was almost parallel to the ground. Some needed the kick to be a loving gentle caress, while others preferred a more manly forceful one. Some needed the revving up to be minuscule else the engine would get flooded while others would start only after a liberal application of the ‘choke’.

The Yezdi was even more choosy. This steed needed to be coaxed into starting by first gentling ‘pumping’ the kick pedal a few times followed by the final forceful starting kick. Now if you think this was easy, you are dead wrong. The ‘pumping’ needed to be done a precise number of times. A couple more (or less) than needed and the damn thing would just stand there stubbornly like an ass; its headlight looking at you censoriously.

The Bullet? Well the bullet was different in every way. It was stately, masculine and regal. Its engine at 350cc (versus the 100 cc of the RX 100 or the 150 cc of scooters) did not emit a childish squeal but a majestic ‘dhub, dhub, dbub’. Moreover, in keeping with its effort to be different, it had, very confusingly, the brake and gear pedals fitted on opposite sides as compared to any other motorcycle. Starting a Bullet needed – firstly a press of the clutch and gentle depression of the kick pedal till it went limp. Then there is something called the decompressor, which again needed to be pressed as the kick pedal was depressed gently. If one ignored these vital steps the motorcycle would kick back violently like a startled horse, leaving you with a torn knee cartilage and a mighty confused/silly look on the face.

Of course I agree that change is inevitable and so is the case with two wheelers. Nowadays, most scooters and motorcycles have start buttons. Where is the joy in such namby pamby improvements I ask you!

Okay, moving on to the title of this post. What of “all the kings horses?” Aah, coming right to it……

In our early days in the Navy, we were allowed to park our scooters on the jetty right next to the ship. One coursemate of ours had a prized LML Vespa NV scooter that he loved no end. The scooter was shining white and our coursemate used to look absolutely dashing on the scooter in his similarly shining white uniform. The customary ‘Aviator Raybans’, so popular in the Navy, only adding to his flamboyance.  On one occasion the young officer was despatched by his boss on an errand. So he picked up his scooter keys, added the Raybans to his attire and whistling nonchalantly walked up to his scooter.

Now please note this carefully. Ordinarily, one would start a scooter by standing on one side and kicking the start pedal. But the snazzier ones amongst us would jauntily sit on the scooter, extend the right leg backwards and dexterously deliver the starting kick.

The young officer’s scooter was parked fortuitously (or maybe calamitously), right at the edge of the jetty near his ship. His inherent flamboyance dictated that, naturally, he would start the scooter by the snazzy backward kick method whilst sitting astride it.

Now the trick ladies and gentlemen, is that if that is your chosen methodology of starting a scooter, one must ensure that the beast is not in gear. Because, if in gear, the scooter tends to take off uncontrollably and suddenly like a scalded cat. Perhaps because he was distracted, or perhaps because flamboyance and attention to detail don’t mix well together, our man didn’t bother to follow this elementary SOP.

I am sure you can guess the sequence of events, but allow me to paint a picture – flamboyant officer in sparkling whites, Raybans and all, sits on his steed, gives a nonchalant backward kick. Resultantly, and the proximity of the edge of the jetty contributing in no small measure, passersby were witness to the unbelievable sight of one in number scooter, one in number now not so flamboyant Raybans donned officer, and one is number helmet fly of the jetty and plonk into the somewhat grimy waters of the Arabian Sea; the officer still astride, but his face a perfect picture of alarm and bewilderment. Of course, as is common with human nature, all but the affected officer found the entire episode gripping and hilarious. An officer falling down, and that too in such a comical fashion, is always good for uplifting the morale amongst the sailors.

It took all the kings horses and all the kings men (viz specialist divers, mobile cranes and assorted lookers on) to pull Humpty Dumpty together again – somewhat bedraggled, Raybans askew, and drenching wet.

Sadly, hardly any young officer buys a two wheeler nowadays. Sigh!