Everyday India Humour. Mad Max is not Half as Mad as Indian Scooterists

As per the Times of India (25 July 2023), India has the largest number of two wheelers in the world. The patriotic me, overjoyed at seeing us ahead of China read the article with great interest.  Apparently, we had 32.63 crore vehicles, 75% of which were two wheelers, in 2020. My astute mind, (aided by a calculator), tells me that that works out to about 24.47 crore two wheelers.  Add another few between 2020 and today and lets round it off to 26 crores.  For most of us, our minds tend to boggle once numbers cross 6-7 zeros, so let me try to break it down.   If one were to take Honda Splendour’s indicative length of 2000mm as standard, and one were to line up all two wheelers in a single file (just for the heck of it) the total length would be 52 crore metres. This, if I am not mistaken, would be about 13 times around the globe!

I generally tend to distrust newspapers. Remember how Shahid Afridi was 16, for 16 years? So, while I am told that the highest concentration of two wheelers is in Delhi and Bangalore, I say that people who throw up such statistics have never lived in Hyderabad. Else they would have known that Hyderabad is numero uno wrt number of two wheelers with each two-wheeler owner in turn being a numero uno onto himself. Resultantly, driving in Hyderabad is like driving amongst a swarm of Mad Max inspired scooters/motorcycles, all on a death wish.

Hyderabadi two-wheeler drivers are a unique species. They have all the qualities that define success. Courage – in abundance. Appetite for risk  – enough to put Evel Knievel to shame. Self confidence – oozing with it. So much so that they seem bent upon validating the saying that ‘the only difference between courage and stupidity is that courage has limits’. They care little for the fact that in the Hyderabad traffic food chain, they are at the very bottom. They revel in foolhardiness, an acute lack of understanding of what safety means and an amazing sense of entitlement.  Convinced as they are that God helps only those who help themselves, their driving philosophy seems simple – ‘I’m going right. Everyone else, mind it’. A scooterist will thus, bravely and without concern for his own vulnerability take on a truck.  This despite the truck advising him in a grandfatherly manner that “samay se pehle aur bhagya se zyada, kuch nahin milta”. (Please do read my post on truck slogans here).

We Indians are, ordinarily, firm in our conviction that karma will guide our destiny. Seen those crowds of people idling around chai/paan shops during peak office hours, indulging in our national pass time of ‘time-pass’?  Give an Indian a scooter however, and he undergoes a dramatic transformation. A manic frenzy seems to overcome him. No time for time-pass and full belief in Karma.

Tell me if you haven’t experienced this – traffic jam. In car, frustrated. Along comes a Hero Activa, coolly navigating the jam with not a care in the world, weaving left and then right, going past your car with millimeters to spare.  How about the one who is in the left most lane and suddenly realizes he has to go right? No problem. He cuts in at right angles to the traffic flow, finds an inch of space here, a foot there, some toing and froing, some shifting of the posterior from side to side to maintain balance and voila! He is in the right most lane!  It’s precisely for this reason (or maybe I’m just bloody minded) that I keep right up the butt of the car ahead of me, so that no scooter can butt in. But butt in they do, they always find a way.

The even more adventurous one will continue nonchalantly in the left most lane, till he is ahead of the traffic say at a traffic signal, and then make a bold alteration to cut across and be first in the right most lane. Safety? Be damned. Prudence? What’s that? Tension? Who lene ka nahin, food chain mein upar walon ko dene ka. And then, seen the scooter merrily moving against the traffic on a one way street? No wonder it is said that India is the only country where pedestrians need to look both ways in a one way street before crossing!

What is it that drives this sense of urgency amongst scooter drivers? Diligence at not wanting to be late for office? I doubt that (Ever been to any government office at its scheduled opening time?). More probably, and India being the home of spirituality and Nityanand, the scooterist understands that life is finite and every minute saved is that one extra minute to savour in the present.  I’m guessing though. Oh wait! Sorry. Nityanand has his own country.

The Hyderabad traffic police, always solicitous about the safety of drivers, has put up various boards such as ‘don’t talk on mobiles while driving’. Or, ‘Believe in God? Use cell phone while driving and you’ll meet him’. But two-wheeler drivers being conscientious, keep their eyes on the road and don’t allow such boards to distract them. Seen a scooterist with his head tilted in a comically awkward contortion? No, he’s not got a kink in his neck. The thing about scooters you see, is that both hands need to be on the handle. So, scooter drivers need to get into this peculiar pose where they tilt their head to one side and jam the phone between the ear and the shoulder.  Some of the more dexterous  ones can carry on in this fashion for kilometers, while simultaneously interpreting traffic lights enroute as  follows:-

Green – Go

Amber – Go Faster

Red – Look for police. If not sighted, go

The Hyderabad police, while being solicitous about your safety as above, are also proponents of complete democracy. A particularly diligent constable may, at max, make that universal helpless gesture with the hand which can only be interpreted as “arey….. kya kar raha hai’. Then with a shrug of his shoulders which again universally says, “what goes of my father”, he retreats.

Oh these two wheelers!!