Hair today, gone tomorrow!

Google tells me that humans grow hair on the head for various benefits – keeps the head cool, regulates body temperature, protects one from minor injuries, etc. Funnily, humans are one of those rare mammals that grow much more hair over the head than the rest of the body; quite unlike other mammals which have an even coating of hair/fur all over– be it dogs, cats, or tapirs. A giraffe’s head for example, has hair evenly matched with the rest of its body in volume length and texture.

Evolutionary benefits aside, hair in today’s humans has been relegated to the mere cosmetic. Hair grooming is an industry that runs into thousands of crores of rupees, with coconut oil alone (courtesy I guess, Malayalees) selling to the tune of thousands of crores per annum. Add shampoos, conditioners, volumizers, dyes, gels, etc and the numbers would shoot to gazillions. Toupees, multi-hued wigs, unproven unguents that promise miracles, while undoubtedly adding to the country’s GDP, only crowd the market with illusions. Hair is, I guess, though practically of negligible utility, a prime accessory for vanity. I don’t think we spend even a fraction of that amount on grooming other far more important appendages like say, one’s nose. Maybe because noses do not have this tendency to fall off with age. Noses are predictable and no one cares for predictability. (Incidentally, I remember reading somewhere that noses and ears are the only two organs that continue growing with age. Just saying).

Cruelly however, while humans do not have much hair over the rest of the body, we lose hair only on the head. Hair on our arms for example, does not wither away.  Ask any stately bald head and he would confess how fervently he wished that this balance of nature was the other way around. (Scientists may disagree with this statement and they are probably right. But tell that to a man with a shiny ostrich egg head contrasting sharply with his luxuriantly forested torso!). There are some studies of course that state that bald men are sexier, are perceived wiser and seen as more dominant. I have a sneaking suspicion however, that these studies are primarily sponsored by the bald. One tends to, in moments of despair, cling to straws and if these straws are delusions, I am compassionate enough to say – so be it. However, I at least, have never come across any hirsute individual lamenting – “oh I want to look wiser. I wish I lose all my hair”.  

The steps we take to compensate for hair loss are amazing. The father of modern medicine, Hippocrates, who too suffered from male pattern baldness, came up with some ingenious remedies. Apparently, he swore by a concoction, believe it or not, comprising pigeon droppings and horse radish for developing thick lustrous hair. Now we all love our hair, but running after pigeons is a bit drastic, right?

Closer home, remember that excellent movie, ‘Bala’ starring Ayushman Khurana? I am not sure whether every remedy tried by the insecure protagonist is common practice amongst the hair disadvantaged. For example, I doubt that anyone has actually tried using cow dung as a hair fall remedy, but then I’ve been known to be wrong. I am witness, however, to people stressing certain oils, hair loss prevention shampoos, digestible supplements, hair transplants, etc, etc. Some of these remedies are cheap, some not. Hair transplants for example, run into lakhs of rupees and hence are limited to the rich and the famous. Ever wondered how some of our handsome hunks of the silver screen seem to suddenly sprout hair overnight as if they are chummy with the Hiar God? Now you know.

And finally, when all else fails, out comes the last resort, the wig/hairpiece/toupee/extension. I understand that while horse hair and jute fibres have been used in the past, nowadays, human hair and synthetics are the favoured raw material. No wonder the Tirupati temple which collects 500 tons of hair annually makes considerable profit by selling the same to various national and international buyers. I have one grouse though. These devotees at Tirupati are instrumental in spreading joy among the hair disadvantaged by their altruistic actions, but strangely, remain unacknowledged. Organ donors can proudly carry cards stating they are for example, eye donors. Not one of the hair donating selfless souls can however, start a conversation with the proud statement – ‘I am a hair donor’. No justice in this world I tell you.

Not everyone is impressed, or even fooled by wigs however. As per an incident widely reported across various media outlets, a groom reached the marriage mandap in Gaya (Bihar) with, as expected on such important occasions, perfectly coiffured hair. Sundry relatives were seen fawning over his mane. But the bride being one who believed that if something is too good to be true, it probably is, she kept an eagle’s eye on the to be husband’s top orb.

You know how Indian marriage rituals are. There is invariably a lot of rice throwing, mangal sutra tying, turban donning, garland exchanging, etc involved. During one such ritual, her eagle’s eye discerned that the groom’s hair seemed to be a bit wobbly. Being a woman of action, she gave the tuft a quick yank and horror of horrors, she was left holding what seemed to be, the groom’s scalp.  The poor groom was left fully exposed like a plucked, pathetic chicken. She shrieked, her doting mother shrieked and her concerned relatives, a bit befuddled but convinced that there can never be enough shrieking at a wedding, joined in. But didn’t I tell you that the bride was a woman of action? Sensing that just shrieking would not yield full mental satisfaction, she let go with one incisive right upper cut. The doting mother joined in with a vicious left hook. The relatives, never to be left behind, added their bit with gusto. Resultantly, the plucked, pathetic chicken was given a good thrashing, handed his wig and shown the exit in quick succession.

And you thought inner beauty was the only thing that mattered! Pshaw….

PS – You can read the unembellished account of the Gaya incident here.