The Indian Navy is a formidable fighting force; well equipped with the latest technology – guns, missiles, radars. But most importantly, paper. A look then into the Navy’s paper warfare….
In peacetime especially, paper becomes the primary weapon for projecting a unit’s battle readiness, professionalism and expertise in yoga.
The various HQs in the Navy are very particular about seeking periodic reports (some weekly, others monthly, annually too) from units and formations on the state of training, equipment, operational readiness, etc, called ‘returns’ in quaint navalese. Thus, while one may have done nothing worthwhile over the intervening period, returns give us a chance to project ourselves with well imagined ‘achievements’.
The Navy has numerous units and formations and each unit on a conservative basis, renders about 150 returns in a year. Each return has, say, three pages (some may go to 25-100 pages). My math may be poor but I think this yields 27 million tons of typed paper.
So, what happens to all that paper?
It all circles back to the economy via the raddiwalla. And that is how the term circular economy came into being.
No! I am joking. Sort of.
What can be said though is that no one in the HQs has the time to go through them. However, just as parachutes become important only when the plane is falling and you don’t have one, returns become important only when you don’t send one. For if you miss one, a secretarial minion at the HQs, will report the default by unit XYX. The concerned Staff Officer will in turn get his undies into a knot and launch into his own paper warfare by sending you peremptory reminders.
It does happen occasionally that a unit has nothing to say and/or report. But even this ‘I have nothing to say and/or report has to be sent as a ‘return’ with a single line : ‘Nil returns are forwarded herewith.’ Exclamation mark.
Then of course there are additional returns that HQs may seek in response to say the ‘Yoga Day’, ‘Republic Day Celebrations’, ‘Valentine’s Day’ etc. Generally, the HQs would have forwarded a long list of activities that it needs undertaken during the said occasions, including the format in which it expects the return to be rendered.
The HQs, aware that some units may try to slip under the radar, often ends its missives with this unique sentence (that I think is seen nowhere else) – ‘Nil returns required.’ Essentially, the HQs is telling all the subordinate units that even if you do nothing, you should so in the prescribed format only.
No Commanding Officer worth his salt of course would like to send ‘nil returns’ unless he is allergic to future promotions. The problem you see is that there is a difference between what the HQs deems essential and what the lower formations deem feasible.
This difference of opinion mainly arises from the fact that while the HQs feels that everything – say wrt Yoga Day – should be done on a lavish scale with attractive digital banners, colour coordinated Yoga mats and T shirts, expensive aerial photography of Yoga on a beach/Marine Drive, the same HQs conveniently forgets the very small matter of allocating funds.
The poor unit thus is expected to undertake all activities ‘within existing resources’ or in accordance with the exquisitely phrased mother of all dictums ‘much more with much less.’
Fortunately, the English language is ideal for ingenuity. And returns give us a chance to substitute inaction with paper warfare; duly highlighting the varied and grandiose activities organised by the unit. Some officers in fact have risen to great heights merely by their ability to conjure wholly imaginary feats and neatly package them complete with glossies and innumerable Enclosures, Appendices and Annexures.
In fact, it wouldn’t be wrong to state that if wars were fought with Enclosures, Appendices and Annexures, the Indian Navy would establish Sea Control over the Arctic Ocean in no time.
Some of my readers will assume, erroneously, that a ‘public school’ background, supplemented with help from the fine gentlemen Wren and Martin then, should be adequate to excel in paper warfare. But you would be wrong. For the Navy has formulated its own style of correspondence. It is very difficult for me to explain the nuances in one blog, however in a nutshell, the essence of paper warfare is to make every word in a sentence clear, while ensuring the meaning of the full sentence remains unclear.
Some of my more discerning readers, may not be happy with this cryptic ‘essence’. Let me accordingly, try and offer an indicative but well researched, bulleted list:-
- Start by using only the third person. Actually, the third person is a favoured pattern even in face to face conversations. Like:-
- To the Chief of Naval Staff during a meeting – ‘As the Chief of Naval Staff had brought out so presciently, nothing uplifts morale as effectively as Biryani and Gulab Jamuns…….’
- Make it even more stilted thereafter by removing all articles, and rephrasing the communication into passive voice.
- Eg – The tea is ready
- Rephrased in navalese – It is intimated for the information of everyone that preparation of tea has been completed.
- Always add a reference in the first sentence. For eg – Refer to ‘this office letter XY/RS/PPD/21203(a) dated 02 Aug 1923.’ Or even more confusingly, ‘Refer to this letter of even number’. It doesn’t really matter, no one has ever read the quoted reference or will check.
- Use sentences/phrases such as the following in your correspondence:-
- This has the approval of the competent authority. (If the correspondence has come from the HQs, this ‘competent authority’ is often a Lieutenant Commander with seven years of service. Mainly because, those senior to him have gained adequate wisdom to avoid taking decisions.)
- The matter has been referred to Naval HQs (Encrypted version of Haha!)
- An early decision is solicited (Used only by naive subordinate formations).
- Given the current financial constraints, regrettably, no extra funds/manpower/onions fresh can be provided. However, the requirement has been noted and more funds/manpower/onions fresh will be positioned as and when the situation improves. (Encrypted version of an even heartier HAHA!)
- Randomly sprinkle phrases such as mutatis mutandis, ipso facto, ad seriatim, etc. The beauty lies here in the fact that no one knows what they mean.
- Finally, the importance that lower formations give to a letter from higher ups is directly proportional to the signatory’s rank. Hence any missive signed by say a lowly Commander, MAY get a reply only after a plaintive ‘Reminder 5’ and sometimes even a ‘Final Reminder 3’. (it matters little that the subject matter has lost all relevance by then.)
Putting all of the above together, please allow me to give you a sample letter:-
“Refer to your letter YOU/ARE/STUPID/1003 dated 27 Jun 25 and NI 23/1827.
It has been observed by this HQs that 06 (six) in number samosas aloo vegetarian were budgeted as refreshments per head during the meeting in question, which is far in excess of the authorized 01 (one) in number per head. It is further understood that portions for chutney mint green similarly, were disproportionate ipso facto.
This over indulgence in calories in today’s times of financial constraints has been viewed with concern. Moreover, no prior approval was sought from Administrative Authority for this overindulgence.
Notwithstanding, due reasons submitted, viz officers were feeling munchy, and to maintain overall operational readiness, one time exception is being made and ex post facto sanction is hereby accorded for regularization of excess samosa consumption………
It is reiterated however, that this should not be treated as precedent, and no matter how munchy officers get, any deviations from well established financial canons wrt samosa consumption, listed at Appendix B of Navy Instructions 23/1827 and as amplified vide para 27 of this HQs letter ibid inter alia, will be viewed seriously hereinafter.
Insofar as chutney mint green is concerned, a Board of Inquiry is being convened mutatis mutandis.
This has approval of the Flag Officer Commanding in Chief.”
Conclusion
Should a war happen, our Navy will prove its mettle and deliver a resounding victory that will make our citizens rejoice.
The concerned HQs will rejoice too, provided every potato expended is well documented in triplicate under Appendices A to G and submitted in a timely ‘return’. Battles may be won at sea, but careers after all, can be safeguarded only via Annexures.
The Navy of course has been making conscious efforts to go paper less for some decades now and lots of paper (printed single side, Times New Roman, font size 14) has been used to push this effort forward. Three cheers to that!
PS – If the post made you chuckle a bit, please forward it to two of your friends who take paper warfare too seriously.
Brilliant sir. Love the cartoon too 😄