South Luangwa National Park – Two Middled Aged Men and One Angry Hippo

My dear course-mate and friend (for the sake of anonymity let’s just call him PVS) recently touched 60 years. PVS let it slip in, that it would please him if I could accompany him for a trip to the South Luangwa National Park, Zambia, for a Safari.  I agreed, not merely due to the allure of a Safari, but also because our very good mutual friend, CM (who makes appearances in my blogs here, but also here and again here) was also stationed in Zambia.

Any journey after all, I remember reading somewhere, is best measured in friends rather than miles.

PVS as is his wont, was off the mark much faster than me and submitted his Visa request quickly. I, busy with this and then that, followed suit a fortnight later. Four hours later I had my Visa, while PVS was still twiddling his thumbs. I asked him to check. Turned out that, again as is his wont, he had forgotten the simple matter of clicking the ‘Submit’ button. He therefore ‘submitted’ and to be safe ‘submitted again’.

Yes, PVS can be like that.

Come the day and both of us set forth like two intrepid but contrasting adventurers – me dressed in jeans, T Shirt and keds; PVS in khaki cargo pants, khaki shirt, khaki jacket, Ankle length anti snake bite boots, binocs slung around his neck and a camouflaged floppy hat (complete with snake bite kit, fauji style).

I was startled I admit, but not half as startled as the ‘immigration’ official at the Hyderabad airport. The poor guy looked like that dog whose scooter scooted off, one leg still held aloft,  just as he was about to water it.

A hop via Dubai saw us land at Lusaka some 15 hours later. I was through with immigration in about 30 sec and hence told PVS (who was in a separate queue) that I’ll go on ahead and collect the luggage. That took me about 15 minutes. However, the khaki PVS remained elusive.

So I waited for another 15 minutes and then another 30. Finally, I sighted PVS. Turned out that (and you will remember that ‘to be safe’, PVS had submitted his application twice), he had caused some confusion, viz two visa approvals. The Zambian authorities took some time to unentangle their immigration system cause they found it a bit difficult to differentiate one PVS from the other. Fortunately, no body cavity search ensued.

Yes, PVS can cause such things.

Dear CM was there to receive us and he took us straight home for the evening. Mrs CM fussed over us like we were royalty the whole afternoon. It would suffice to say that we, the royalty in question, deduced that she is a wonderful lady, a great host, and an even greater cook.

The CMs took the both of us for dinner in the evening and that is when I learnt that CM (despite his frequent goof ups at the National Defence Academy) was, somewhat of a late bloomer. He had ‘late bloomed’ into quite an influential man in Zambia, heading as he was their premier power generation plant.

There was thus some amount of deferential bowing from the staff before we were seated. And yet (or maybe because the influential tend to be ignorant of trifling things), CM had no clue about the helping size of the ordered plates in Zambia.

PVS feeling more than a bit peckish, and ignoring the raised eyebrows from the waitress, asked for the ‘large seafood platter’ after a few rounds of snacks/drinks. The other three of us ordered more modest mini meals. Let me tell you by way of preamble, that the Zambians are hearty eaters. The modest mini meals we realized for example, could easily be shared by two.

It would need no great imagination therefore to guess that the ‘large seafood platter’ ordered by PVS was well, not large, but gargantuan. If I remember correctly, it was about four feet in diameter and if the passage of time has caused me to err, the erring can only be on the side of under reporting.

Dear readers, if you enjoy watching ‘Animal Planet’ you may know that Lions often eat so much that their bellies scrape the ground when they finish.  By an amazing display of joint effort and by sheer dint of stuffing ourselves to bursting point, we, while resembling the said Lions, could finish only one eighth of PVS’s large seafood platter; and then needed help from the staff to get up.

I noticed that the staff, perhaps noticing that CM keeps questionable company, were looking far less deferential towards him post dinner.

The next day saw us set off for the South Luangwa National Park for our Safari. Our resort itself was located right on the Luangwa river and we could spot numerous hippos right outside our window. The staff was courteous, the food excellent and the environs idyllic. I immediately gave South Luangwa National Park top billing.

But it is a universal rule that into each life some rain must fall. PVS you see had opted for tented accommodation. I had no crib with that for our ‘tent’ was adequately furnished and clean. The ‘rain’ came from the fact that the bathroom did not have a door. Or a wall. Or even a curtain. It was similar to the modern concept of an open kitchen. But while I love open kitchens, my attitude towards such ‘open bathrooms’ is one of askance and bordering on the censorious. I distinctly remember saying to myself, ‘What the….’.

I understand that some of the more amorous couples do find this arrangement adorable. The couple comprising self and PVS, being far from amorous, didn’t. We had to resort to playing music loudly when the other was utilizing the facilities.

Despite all that, we persevered to be rewarded with a memorable trip. We saw the majestic  Lions, huge Elephant herds, Leopards, Giraffes, Hyenas etc etc. Often from just a few feet away.

The animals I loved watching the most, the scene stealers, were the Warthogs. These animals are so ugly that they strangely, look cute – like baby donkeys. The way they hold their tufted tails straight up, perpendicular to the ground, gives them the aura of a proud warrior jogging jauntily, Pumba style, holding aloft a pompom. And they are swift. On one occasion, we saw two hyenas closing in on Pumba. As soon as Pumba became aware of their presence however, he took off with an amazing burst of speed. The Hyenas were left standing there looking as dumbfounded as I did in school, when having prepared for a biology exam the whole night, was faced instead with (a+b)² = ?

What we saw the most at The South Luangwa National Park, were hippos. Maybe thousands even.

And what with our resort being right on the river bank they would often climb up the bank and roam around in the resort’s gardens. Now, hippos can be rather temperamental and more humans are killed by hippos every year (and so says Animal Planet) than Lions or other carnivores. Accordingly, we were forbidden by the staff to venture out of our rooms at night. So much so that the staff would insist on escorting us even for the short 100 m walk from the restaurant to our room post dinner.

But then our party of two comprised one PVS, remember? One evening post dinner, PVS deemed it a bit childish to be escorted even for a 100m walk. So, he insisted we head out alone. Courage, he pointed out to me (a quote by Mark Twain I learnt later), is not the absence of fear, but mastery over it. Accordingly, PVS led the way striding courageously, with me a couple of metres behind  – eyes darting warily. And just as we had reached halfway, we all but bumped into two massive hippos, peacefully grazing in the garden. On noticing our presence however, their peaceful expressions were replaced by the expressions that hippos make when more than a bit peeved. One of them, imitating reverberating thunder, snorted and took two steps towards us. 

The sequence of events in my mind is a bit jumbled thereafter. What I do recall somewhat hazily is that PVS’s courageous demeanour quickly went into cold storage.  It was replaced instead with that of unadulterated alarm. Thereafter, displaying fleet footedness of the highest order he took off, like Phantom (whom we all know moves faster than eye can see.) To recap, he was till the snort, two metres ahead of me. A fraction of a second after the snort however, he was 40 metres behind me and accelerating further towards the restaurant door.

Finding myself the all-important one human body less between the hippos and me, I froze for a few seconds. And then recalling that time tide and hippos wait for none, I too made for the restaurant at top speed, damning Mark Twain with some vim all the while.

I kid you not my dear readers, Usain Bolt, should he have been there for some reason, would have been left trailing in my dust.

All good things do of course come to an end and so did our South Luangwa National Park Safari. We headed back for India but not before a final rendezvous with CM. Mrs CM, assuming erroneously that we were two kids who missed home food over the intervening period, took charge and plied us with  PVS’s famous ‘large seafood platter’ sized portions of dhansak, chicken, sausages, rice and Malva pudding. Resultantly, we had to be ignominiously helped off the table for the second time within a week. 

We left the Emirates fare untouched and didn’t eat again till we reached Hyderabad.

And finally dear Reader, if reading this made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.