A Veteran on Fashion: What On Earth Are Youngsters Wearing?

In one of my earlier posts I had ranted about youngsters being eye sores due to their (largely absent) dress sense. Well, this post explores more fashion disasters. Buckle up.

Youngsters, pay attention – starting at the top and working downwards…….

Head/Neck Wear

• I understand baseball caps are all the rage nowadays and I, being broadminded, do make allowances. But for heaven’s sake, at least wear them the right way. Whenever I see you wearing the cap with the front at the back, I feel like twisting your neck around to make things right.
• Bandanas are ok if you are at a fancy dress competition for asses, or an extra in a remixed video of ‘Tu cheez badi hai mast mast’. Anywhere else it is a fashion disaster.
• A ‘gamcha’ or towel around your neck would be appropriate only if you are Shatrughan Sinha of the 80s, or ‘Ramu Kaka’. Or Shatrughan Sinha playing Ramu Kaka.

Upper Body Wear

• Shirts should be in light colours – white, off white, light blue, etc. I can, in a pinch, and in keeping with the times, accept shirts of solid darker colours. But a combination of flaming orange and deep green is okay only on a Bird of Paradise plant (see attached photo). On you, it is a fashion disaster.

• Remember, shirt buttons are provided so that they can be, er, buttoned. If push comes to shove, I can also accept one top button open, say if one is wearing a cravat. But you youngsters, like to expose your navels like bit actors in ‘Baywatch’. Ugh!
• If T Shirts are your preference, wearing one with the slogan ‘Chick Magnet’ is sure to keep ‘chicks’ away from you. Pull up your trousers so that your bums don’t show instead. That would be far more magnetic.
• ‘No one can fix stupid’ is never a good slogan on a T shirt. Unless of course you are intentionally announcing – ‘I am an idiot.’

Lower Body 

Having already written about how incorrectly worn trousers can be a fashion disaster in my earlier post highlighted above, I will not dwell on them much. But:-

• Wearing shorts and a vest to your own wedding is only acceptable if you are marrying Aamir Khan’s daughter. Replace Ira Khan with a Sushila or a Champa however, and you are just a jackass. Shorts should be limited to the gym, or sports, or RSS shakas.

• My advice is that unless you are employed at a dhaba on the Nagpur – Hyderabad highway, please avoid shorts. Avoid them if you have the ‘thunder thighs’ of a South Indian heroine of the 80s too.
• T Shirts are bad. But only half as bad as pairing them with a Patiala Salwar. Dear young men, I will have no choice other than to report you to the police under Section 268 of Indian Penal Code for ‘causing a nuisance in public’. And to hell with what Manish Malhotra may say.
• I understand there is a certain cross mixing of genders in today’s world. Words like asexual, unisexual, bisexual, metrosexual or ubersexual may be the latest craze. But remember, lower wear is meant to have two legs. And whatever the fashion pundits may tell you, skirts, not having two legs, are NOT meant for men. If you insist to the contrary, I will have no option other than to brand you  doofuss-sexual for this fashion disaster.

Footwear

• The ugliest footwear ever, Crocs, were introduced into the world in the early part of this century by someone who aiming for shoes I am told, absentmindedly came up with a sandal. Youngsters, naturally, took to them immediately. I on the other hand, feel the best place for them is the trash can.
• And the next time you invest in shoes, might as well invest in some laces too. If evolution hadn’t given us opposable thumbs we would have still been swinging from trees with our ape cousins. So, you dolts, use them to ties your laces.    
• Remember, while famous sportsmen who earn in millions can afford to wear shoes of different colours on each foot, you doing so would only make you stand out like a kangaroo with an elephant head, at a medical conference.

Accessories

• Jewellery looks appealing only on women. However, I am open minded enough to accept an odd stud in each ear on men.
• But metal things in eyebrows, lips, tongues, navels and noses? I baulk. I recoil. I flinch. You may throw phrases like ‘I own my body’ towards me. But what about my eyes!
• Fashion is transient. Bell bottoms, Safari Suits, huge collars, etc all the rage a couple of decades back, are now out of vogue. You may therefore, find one day that body piercings are no longer ‘in’. Wouldn’t you look stupid then looking like a pin cushion?

And the Greatest Fashion Disaster – Man Purses

I read the Times of India regularly and get most of my wisdom from it. Overall, a good solid paper, once you wade through the initial thirteen pages of Ads. But the paper really needs to up its fashion advice.

The Hyderabad Supplement 11 Nov 25 carried a large bold headline “THE ‘MAN PURSE’ IS OFFICIALLY A STYLE STATEMENT.” What!

Intrigued, I read on to find one Aakanksha Ahire gushing, ‘Pedro Pascal stole the spotlight at Chanel’s show in Paris, not with glitter and glamour, but with a black handbag tucked under his arm.’ I have seen such men in my more modest life. Generally, they look not like Pedro Pascal, but a spectacled obsequious ‘munshi’ in a safari suit, oiled hair and some rexin thingy tucked under the arm. Unlikely to ever steal the spotlight.

Aakanksha also states that Bad Bunny (Don’t worry, if you have never heard of him, you are not alone) was spotted carrying a Bottega and our very own Ishan Khatter too ‘rocked’ a Louis Vuitton recently. If that be so, I rock with a ‘jhola’ every Friday at the local vegetable mandi.

Nikhil Thampi (apparently a celebrity fashion designer) further added that ‘style has no gender.’ He advises us that:-

• ‘We should start small. A sleek crossbody can seamlessly fit into your wardrobe.’ I’ve seen men start small – by carrying their spouse’s handbags in malls. They all uniformly avoid eye contact with anyone else. Should they accidentally do make eye contact, it is with the eye of a pet poodle caught chewing his master’s shoe. Sheepish.
• ‘Play with proportion. A structured bag can elevate a casual look, while a soft leather sling can take the edge off a formal one.’ Other than knowing that such bags elevate the credit card bill by a few zeros, I have no idea what that sentence means.
• ‘Men who are comfortable with themselves, can also carry an embroidered ‘potli’ bag to match the Indian look during the festive season.’ Wrong, wrong, wrong!  Likely, you will be tipped Rs 100/- by a tipsy uncle expecting you are a member of the “Lovely Wedding Orchestra”.

Not to be left behind, Parikshaat, apparently yet another celebrity fashion stylist (And again like Aakanksha, fond of adding unnecessary vowels to the name), advises us that ‘a well chosen bag not only elevates (quite popular, this word) an outfit, but also serves a practical purpose when you don’t want to stuff your pocket with essentials.’ Now what I would want to know is, what are these other essentials Parikshaat carries along with him? Sadly, he remained silent on that. Maybe his self respect?

In Conclusion

Girls nowadays wear slacks, have bald heads and wear baggy jeans to look like boys. And they look cool. But it is not your job to maintain societal equilibrium by opting to dress like a girl.  There cannot be a greater fashion disaster.

So discard things like body hugging clothes, streaking your hair magenta, and painting your finger nails. And no décolletage for heaven’s sake.  You would only end up looking like someone who is being ragged in a Govt college in Jhumrutilaya. Dress instead like your father. He at least was always sure where trousers should start and where they should end.

And finally dear Reader, if reading this made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.