Indian Satire: Indian Navy, Biscuits, and a Sleepy Chief Minister

If one reads some of my earlier writings (such as here, where I have listed their many sterling qualities in great detail), one will notice that I have a soft corner for our humble government servants : politicians. Well, this post continues in the same vein, mixed though with things Indian Navy.

Many years ago, one of the Chief Minsters of an important state needed some expert advice on underwater repairs to a bridge over a busy channel. Assuming (and rightly) that a consultation with the Indian Navy would be appropriate, he requested the local CinC to depute a suitable officer for a meeting.

Accordingly, my good friend NKR, a qualified deep-sea diver of repute, and with a vast repository of knowledge about matters underwater, was identified as the one who could best advise the CM. However, NKR being just a lowly Commander, the CinC was worried that he would blabber something inappropriate. He therefore also tasked the Chief of Staff (a Rear Admiral) to accompany NKR, both with a view to keeping the youngster in check as well as adding a certain gravitas to the delegation.

The two officers, shampooed and scented, put on their best pair of uniforms and presented themselves at the CM’s secretariat on the scheduled date. However, the CM was busy with other matters of the state and his Assistant therefore requested the officers to interact with the PWD Minister (under whose realm the issue fell) in the interim.

Now it so happened that while NKR was tall and strapping, the COS was short and podgy. The PWD Minster, as befits most politicians, was clueless about the Indian Navy and its ranks/hierarchy. He therefore assumed, understandably, that the tall strapping officer with the impressive sounding rank of Commander must be the COS, and the short podgy one (with an unimpressive rank prefixed with Rear of all things) an underling. That the COS was carrying a briefcase while NKR was not, only contributed further to the Minister’s understandable error of judgement. While this did cause some heartburn on one half of the naval duo, NKR obviously didn’t mind. The Minster accordingly, ignored the briefcase carrying underling and limited his interaction to NKR.

Never one to forget hospitality, the Minister offered the duo tea and Parle glucose biscuits (two each). The cups (as is the case with all things governmental), looked like they had been first used by Vasco Da Gama’s servant and never washed thereafter. The three gentlemen picked up their cups – the Admiral, used as he was to exquisite bone china ware, gingerly.  NKR warily. And the Minister with practised ease, by holding the rim of the cup rather than the handle.

Thereafter the Minister, being a true Indian, proceeded to pick up the Parle biscuit and dip it into his tea. But maybe because he was engrossed in his conversation with the duo, he over ran the ideal Parle biscuit dunking time by some 295 seconds. Expectedly, loss of textural integrity due to moisture migration made the biscuit overly soggy. The duo meanwhile, watched in fascination as the biscuit first curved limply and just as the Minister brought his mouth towards the cup, it gave in to the tyranny of gravity and plunged into the depths of the cup with an apologetic plop.  

Their fascination turned to horror however, when the Minister, completely oblivious to the fact that he had an audience watching with rapt attention, dove into the cup with his fore and middle fingers and hooked the offending gooey biscuit out before depositing it into his mouth with a contended slurp. The COS, worried that his host may expect him too to follow the same biscuit dunking party trick, had started exhibiting signs of barely concealed panic. He pushed the biscuits towards NKR discreetly.

Fortunately, to the great relief of the duo, word was sent that the CM was now free. All three were ushered into the CM’s office. A few other bureaucrats such as the Chief Secretary, the Addl Chief Secretary (Coconut Harvesting), assorted MLAs, etc too joined the meeting.

The CM, who looked 177 years old, welcomed the duo warmly, and asked the duo solicitously, whether they cared for some tea and biscuits. The COS, not yet fully recovered from the fingers in the cup episode, declined hastily in a tone tinged with dread. The CM then handed over the rest of the proceedings to the Chief Secretary and in a manner befitting his age, promptly dozed off.   

The meeting continued, disrupted occasionally by a disconcertingly loud and strange gargle (as if the last few litres of water were glugging down the wash basin), from the CM. Attempts by the Chief Secretary to awaken the CM, especially when financial approvals were needed, were about as effective as carrying semaphore flags to a karaoke competition. An occasional snort/snore was all that escaped him, which the Chief Secretary (having seen it all before), conveniently interpreted as approval.

Now I don’t know you if you have seen those people who go to sleep on Mumbai suburban trains and wake up by instinct just 30 seconds before their station arrives? It has always intrigued me. Well the CM was of the same ilk. For the moment it seemed that the meeting had run its course, the CM shook himself off, muttered a few words of thanks to the Indian Navy, a few stirring ones exhorting everyone to put in their best efforts, and left for lunch.

NKR received the Minutes of the Meeting a few days later and for a moment he felt that the steno had attended a completely different meeting. For the Minutes listed in considerable detail the framing of the problem statement by the CM, the searching questions put forth by him, the careful consideration he had accorded the deliberations and the clear directives he had issued thereon.

And thus ladies and gentlemen, my faith in the sterling qualities of our politicians was reinforced. Who else could convert a high level meeting into a dunking competition, or if you prefer, a power nap demonstration! Plus they train their stenos well.

And finally dear Reader, if reading this made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.