Lt Cdr SKS and the Art of Naval Survival: Indian Navy Humour

I survived 35 years in the Navy. The Navy survived my dear friend SKS. Three tales of Indian Navy humour…

Indian Navy Humour Tale 1 – Dhobi Woes

The happiness quotient of officers in the Armed Forces, where an immaculate appearance is most prized, is directly governed by those humble wielders of the ‘iron’ – dhobis.

Well, it so happened that a Rear Admiral was on a tour of duty to Visakhapatnam for a meeting with the CinC. Forgetting that battles are often lost for want of a nail, he surmised that it being only a one day affair, one set of uniforms would be adequate. Alas…  

On unpacking, he noticed that the trousers needed a bit of ironing and were sent to the dhobi. The dhobi returned after 30 min with what seemed like perfectly ironed trousers, with the crease as sharp as a knife. The Admiral was pleased. Till he noticed that the dhobi was looking a bit shifty eyed. 

The reason was revealed shortly when the Admiral pulled the trousers from the hanger to see that the joy of the perfect crease was lessened considerably by the fact that it had a perfect ‘iron shaped’ burn hole. Not having a spare, he did what any prudent human would do and took on the persona of a particularly excited headless chicken for the next few minutes.

However, once he had exhausted clucking his rich reservoir of expletives, he realized that he continued to be one non holed pair of trousers short. He therefore called the Mess Secretary on the phone, detailing the gravity/urgency of the situation. Enter my dear friend, then Lieutenant Commander SKS.

SKS assumed that he could easily borrow a pair of trousers from someone.  Accordingly, he headed to the Admiral’s cabin to ascertain his waist size, whistling a carefree tune. Only for the whistling to be cut short by an arresting spectacle – The Admiral, clad in a sparkling white shirt complete with stripes and ribbons, sparkling white undies, and a sorry looking pair of trousers in one hand.

But what caused SKS’s mouth to fall open was the startling girth of the undie clad gentleman. The Admiral was blessed you see, with the figure of our beloved Lord Ganesha, except that even our dear Lord would have looked enviously at the expansiveness of the Admiral’s midriff.

Most officers in the Mess were in their 20s with waists to match – roughly 40% of that of our Lord Admiral. Borrowing trousers obviously, SKS realized would not yield the desired satisfaction levels. Moreover, with the iron shaped hole being plumb centre of the generous seat of the trousers, SKS divined that any other ‘jugaad’ too was not feasible.

Now it is well known about SKS that he may be down, but he is never out. He thought quickly and came up with a gem. He quietly suggested to the Admiral that if ever there comes an occasion in life when calling in sick would be most appropriate, this was that occasion. The Admiral dismissed the notion outright with a “what nonsense!”. So, SKS stood quietly to one side like an obedient puppy while the Admiral’s face went through a kaleidoscope of emotions – Anger, then helplessness, anxiety, then despair. Finally, realisation…

“Send me the Doctor.”

Indian Navy Humour Tale 2 – The Custard Apples

On another occasion, Lt Cdr SKS was the Liaison Officer to the CinC, when the latter was on a tour to Hyderabad for a meeting with the Governor. Three officers thus set out in one car for the meeting – the CinC, the local Station Commander and SKS.

On route to Raj Bhavan, the CinC sighted some custard apples being sold on the road. He made a cursory mention, “Nice custard apples”. The rest of the journey was uneventful.

On the return trip, the CinC again sighted the same custard apples and added, “Hyderabad does seem to have very good custard apples. We don’t get them in Vizag.”

Ever heard of Jerome Bruner and Leo Postman? These fine gentlemen had postulated the perception set theory. In brief, they stated that based on one’s background, emotions and motivations, one tends to perceive what one wants to perceive, rather than what’s objectively there.

The CinC perceived merely, that the custard apples looked delicious. The Station Commander perceived, crucially, that the CinC desired some custard apples so he responded with a ‘We will get a box packed, Sir”, while simultaneously giving SKS a meaningful nudge. SKS perceived that the nudge was accidental.

The next day, after the CinC was seen off at the airport, SKS asked the Station Commander – “What about the custard apples?”  

Now if one had paid attention to the perception set theory alluded to earlier, one would surmise that the Station Commander, (who till now had been perceiving the CinC, satiated with custard apples, upping his ACR grades appreciably), would get more than a little anxious on hearing this. And you would be right. The Station Commander, as PG Wodehouse would say, took it big. He looked wild eyed at the departing CinC’s plane, perceiving with a sinking feeling that his future promotions were flying away with the plane.

PS – Fortunately, the Station Commander was a man of action. The same evening, a sailor was dispatched by train to Vizag, with a box of custard apples for the CinC. Incidentally, and while it may have been purely coincidental, the Station Commander was promoted a few months later.

Yet Another Tale – Hee Ho Hum and a Bottle of Rum

SKS happened to be the Staff Officer to the Captain of an Indian Naval Destroyer based at Mumbai. The Captain was to shift his house and thus needed to get the MTNL landline phone shifted too.  A minor issue one would think. Haha!

The Captain directed SKS to ensure that the phone was shifted within 30 minutes of his vacating the previous house. SKS, always confident of his resourcefulness, asserted that the job would be done in quick time. The Captain, oblivious to the advantages of plausible deniability, unnecessarily dug further.

“How?” he demanded.

Now, though it may surprise the younger readers, Government organisations such as MTNL those days, were like congealed molasses. The linemen especially, (the ones who needed to do the actual work of shifting the phone lines), were prone to ‘forgetting’ things unless some ‘incentives’ were offered to keep their memories fresh. Most naval officers found that a bottle of rum, though made from the same molasses, worked wonders and kept the memory of the linemen in fine fettle. In fact, this modus operandi had become the norm/tradition and so accepted was this minor business transaction that one didn’t even call it bribery.

“A bottle of rum will do the job Sir”, replied SKS

The Captain, (under a, perhaps, inflated sense of self importance), snorted, “Nonsense! I am in command of a Destroyer and vested with immense powers by an Act of the Indian Parliament. The nation depends on me for its security. No bribe to be given”, he declared, frothing a bit.

SKS, thus robbed of a vital enabler for dealing with MTNL, approached the lineman and cajoled, then pleaded. He even invoked the Gods and appealed to the lineman’s better instincts. The lineman, while acknowledging that SKS’s oratory was silver tongued, felt that it was a poor substitute for a bottle of ‘somras’. Accordingly, he baulked and pulled his ears back in his best imitation of a stubborn mule.

Thereafter, and despite SKS doing the tango with the lineman daily, satisfaction eluded the protagonists for a full week.  The Captain meanwhile, though transformed into a blubbering and foaming defender of the nation, remained phoneless. Taking matters into his own hands, he sought an interview with the Head of MTNL and post that, surprise/surprise, his phone was shifted that very day. The Captain gave SKS a long lecture about righteousness, the perils of bribery and added some scathing commentary on SKS’s character too.

Only to find the phone going on the blink the very next day! And despite the Captain lodging a thousand complaints with MTNL, the phone kept giving its best imitation of a stuffed frog for another week.

Finally, the Captain, deflated, called SKS and requested him to do the needful. Result? The customary bottle changed hands and the phone was ‘operationalised’ 30 minutes later.

The Captain of course never mentioned the bottle again, but that afternoon, a rather tipsy but happy lineman was reportedly sighted on the premises of MTNL.

Let me ask you dear readers. Have you ever come across better tales of Indian Navy humour?

And finally dear Reader, if reading this made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.

PS – Click below for similar Indian Navy Humour Tales –

Navy Accommodation Woes – Roti, Kapda aur (No) Makaan