Trouser Wearing Guide : A Middle-Aged Man’s Guide to Sanity

Bertie – “There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?'”

Jeeves – “The mood will pass, sir.”

For someone like me, who has spent two thirds of my life in the Armed Forces, trousers (or any other article of clothing), always need careful consideration. The young don’t agree. (Neither do celebrities for that matter. Think Ranvir Singh. Or those fashion shows where men wear unisex harem pants.) Their perspective is different; one completely removed from any sense of decency or sartorial elegance. Like for example the simple fact that trousers need to cover, umm, the Bum.

Trouser Wearing Guide

Any Trouser Wearing Guide will tell you that the exercise, has three levels. The correct ‘Just Below Navel Level’, the comical ‘Nipple Level’ and the to-be-avoided-at-all-costs ‘Coccyx Level’. (Tail bone level for the less academically inclined). Every middle aged man knows that ‘Just Below the Navel’ is the only correct level and I will not belabour the point further.

Even wearing trousers at the Nipple Level, though a bit absurd, is acceptable if one is over 80 years. Or, if one is a school child. And I’ll tell you why.

As one grows older you see, two things happen – The waist gets replaced by a paunch and anything lower than the waist gets comparatively skinny. The resultant funnel shaped body structure gives little ‘purchase’ for the trouser to stay in place. They thus tend to fall to the ground in an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction, or, get crumpled like an origami paper fan below the paunch. Moreover, trousers you will agree, cover a jiggly paunch better than a shirt with buttons hanging on by sheer will power.

If, on the other hand, you are a school child, especially one growing up in a middle class Indian family, the matter is entirely out of your hands. Moms of such families like to buy trousers seven sizes too large, so that they last years. Which also means that the trousers can only be worn with the waist at Nipple Level (or if that is your preference, with the seat hanging behind the knees). You can check out some other Indian Middle Class peculiarities here, and here too.

Still, the above oddities are at least driven by necessity and/or age. What can however, justify the buffoonery of wearing trousers at the Coccyx Level! While quite a craze amongst youngsters (or again, celebrities), it is one of those life’s mysteries to which, sadly, I will never find an answer to.

The reason I bring this up is because, recently, what should have been an amazing experience turned out otherwise, because the main actor, had never come across a Trouser Wearing Guide.

The Setting

To elaborate, I had gone for a cricket match (SRH Vs GT) and fortuitously, I had an excellent seat, quite close to the action. Less fortuitously however, the two seats just ahead of mine were occupied by a youngish boy (say 23 years old) and his girlfriend.

His upper torso was adorned with the mandatory Rs 150/- SRH nylon T shirt. His lower body was seemingly, clad just in Calvin Klein underwear. (Well, he WAS wearing jeans but I saw little of them because they were worn, as is the fashion amongst imbeciles nowadays, virtually at knee level.)

Being a SRH fan, he would jump up with glee, hands raised, when a SRH batsman hit a four. Or, hunch forward biting his fingernails in tense moments (as when Travis Head got out cheaply).

Unfortunately, his moments of exuberance gave me a less than charming glimpse of his Calvin Klein undies wedged deeply into the valley.

His moments of tension (and there were too many for my liking because SRH lost miserably), caused me, though you would scarcely think it possible, even more grief. For while he wore his jeans low, he wore his undies only marginally higher – mid gluteus maximus level. His hunching forward thus gave me a very disconcerting peek at what is generally unalluring, but on this occasion, was a particularly unalluring ‘crack’.

His girlfriend, on accidentally catching my flabbergasted look (and mistaking it for a lascivious one), did try and pull his T Shirt down whenever he stood up. But then you know those “pee pee” whistles that kids use in birthday parties? The ones that straighten when you use lung power and roll up immediately thereafter? His T Shirt was like that “pee pee” whistle.

This got me thinking. Why do youngsters love to display things that should always be hidden to all but a doctor? The only conclusion I could draw was that youngsters do so in a somewhat convoluted attempt to draw attention. Rhesus monkeys do it too for example, especially in mating season. Why not just say ‘Hello’? Surely that is a better (and far less disturbing) way of drawing attention. And ye youngsters, please note that wearing the underwear over the shirt tails does not in any way, lessen the shock for us oldies.

Trouser Wearing Guide – Other Factors

Homo Sapiens can distinguish dozens of colours. (Thousands if you are female – Irish Ice, Day Lily and Mint Essence being just examples). Insofar as manly trousers are concerned however, my manly middle aged mind tells me that there are only three appropriate manly colours – grey, dark brown or black. Young males do not agree. You can see them in parrot green, startling red and loud yellows. Burgundy, Rust and Cyan also find their admirers. (I doubt Camlin has colours of such vividity in its box of crayons.) And then of course there are those jackasses who, unable to decide what vibe they are going for, strut with each leg in a different hue. One leg ready for a rock concert and the other for Golf.

Fitting? Well, you know how youngsters are. They rebel. They strive for individuality.  They are idiots. And just to prove you wrong, they will squeeze into trousers with a crotch that feels like a nut cracker – just because you said try size 32. And I don’t know what you make of those skinny fit trousers with a one-and-a-half-inch crotch, but they give me the heebie jeebies.

Youngsters are cost conscious of course, which implies that, should you be footing the bill, they infer that the costlier the item, the better the quality. They will, completely ignoring your not so subtle nudges towards ‘Park Avenue’ or ‘Allen Solly’, dive into a ‘Manish Malhotra’ store. Only to come out triumphantly holding aloft a pair of striped jute pyjamas (the kinds that are popular in prisons) – looking pleased at having snagged a ‘discounted’ price of Rs 11000/-. 

I wonder if Jeeves had a view on other items of clothing. Shirts, headgear, shoes, etc. I know I do. However, I will leave that for another day. Till then, remember Jeeves’ advice – The seat of one’s body is best appreciated unexposed. So, read the Trouser Wearing Guide and avoid all ‘crack’ displays. Cheers!

And finally dear Reader, if reading this made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.

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