Wedding Chaos and Friends: Photos, Phones & Mahua

Marriages are made in heaven. So are earthquakes and lightning. And yet, most of us, some unwittingly, jump into matrimony at some point in time. As did one dapper youngster, Shirish, starting inadvertently some wedding chaos. He happened you see, by a fortunate chain of circumstances, to be my coursemate, AM’s son.

Naturally therefore about nine of us coursemates, spouses in tow, landed up at Bhopal for the ceremonies to add to the wedding chaos. The wedding was a beautiful affair; the decorations exquisite, the food sumptuous and all other arrangements perfect. AM had made painstaking efforts to ensure we had a comfortable stay. Plus we had SD to smoothen things.

Who is SD you ask? Well, it is said that some people are born leaders. SD is one of them. He took it upon himself to ensure we were always on time, coordinated with AM, harangued the bus driver, and sent 13 reminders for each event to all of us. Thereby ensuring, that we were in the lobby of the hotel, scented and shampooed by 0900 hrs for a planned departure at 1030 hrs. Yes, born leaders can be efficient, but mighty irritating too.

Not that we noticed any of that, engrossed as we were in taking (I swear I had totaled them all at the end), 7615 photographs, thereby adding to the general wedding chaos. Handsome DSR incidentally, was the chief coordinator for most photographs (and with his graceful wife, featured in about 80% of the 7615. All in regal statuesque poses.) Handsome DSR you see, has this amazing knack for identifying ideal backdrops for photography. And for this unmatched ability, he was the darling of all the ladies. The gents unsurprisingly, had a more indifferent attitude.

Altogether, we had a gala time; made even more gala by the somewhat indecorous behaviour by, ahem – us. 

Why do I say that? AM you see, in one of his distracted moments had deemed it appropriate to serve liquor during the ‘ring’ ceremony, the first of many events. Naturally, being good friends, we (husbands and wives) were obliged to do justice to the efforts put in. Unfortunately, we overdid the consumption a bit. Resultantly, and I say it with not a little remorse, we became a wee bit boisterous. Which in turn, caused further wedding chaos due to the periodic interruptions to the ceremonies.

This behaviour of the inebriates, especially by the women inebriates, did cause a few ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ moments amongst the more upstanding/conservative, but fine citizens of Bhopal.  But none more so than when us pot bellied balding coursemates ‘persuaded’ the DJ to put into cold storage the soothing shehnai and blast ‘Jumma Chumma de de’.

The same pot bellied gentlemen then yanked Mrs AM away from the stage while she was trying to listen to the solemn mantras of the presiding priest, formed a circle around her, and to the accompaniment of the Amitabh hit, did a rather uncoordinated jiggy wiggy. Mrs AM, clearly having had it up to her eyebrows with solemn mantras,  obliged with an energy that would have, had she been there, brought the blushes to Kimi Katkar’s face.

Sadly, it is so with life that one man’s jalebi is another man’s karela. Not to put too fine a point on it, the performance shook the uncles and aunties of the ‘ladki waale’ considerably.

I say that because I espied Shirish’s future in-laws giving long contemplative looks, first towards us and then towards Mrs AM. Their faces were, as is said, a kaleidoscope of expressions. Me being an excellent face reader could easily translate their looks as, ‘God help us!’

I noticed simultaneously that AM fearing further wedding chaos, was in an animated confabulation with the event organizer in another corner. Putting my face reading skills to use again and I could easily make out that AM’s animated gestures were succinct and clear – No more liquor is to be served.

As a result, the rest of the ceremonies, save for the periodic interruptions for photographs, were far less rambunctious. The wedding concluded the next day and we bade fond farewells to the wedding party. The relief on the ‘ladki waale’s’ faces was off the charts.

But we did not say goodbye to Bhopal. For we had decided to do some local sightseeing for two days. Coordinated very ably by SCV. (SCV unlike SD, had leadership thrust upon him.) The wedding chaos, minus the wedding, thus continued.

The first day saw us set out for Sanchi/Udaygiri and the magnificent monuments there. We had hired an erudite Guide and it soon became apparent that he had a deep knowledge of history and the origins of Buddhism.

It also became apparent to the him on the other hand, that the feminine half of the troupe had only one interest – photographs.  Because, my perceptive mind soon noticed that at the end of every academic pronouncement by him on the history of the place, the Guide would ask us if we had any questions. To which there was only one response by the ladies – ‘Can you please take our photograph?’  QED.

Then would follow, in sequence – first a group photograph, then only ladies, then only gents, then finally individual couple photographs. Followed of course by a few retakes because some lady or the other had closed her eyes, or because her waist seemed inordinately expansive from that angle, or a gentleman had forgotten to suck his tummy in.

To the Guide’s credit, he latched onto our priorities in life pretty soon and assuming the role of ace photographer, he gave uniform satisfaction. 617 photographs were added to the 7615 taken earlier.

The way back to our hotel saw us stop at a site where we cross the ‘Tropic of Cancer’. Naturally, as is the norm, 227 group/ladies/gents/individual couple/retake photographs followed. Morale was, as can be imagined, generally high on us imagining ourselves standing imaginatively on an imaginary line. Till suddenly one lady (let’s randomly call her Mrs SD) started clucking furiously like a very startled hen and at the same time running first hither, and then finding no joy, thither, in unadulterated alarm.

We paused the photography to learn that she had misplaced the one possession that gave her meaning and purpose in life – her phone. As it generally happens on such occasions, the most useless pieces of advice flowed:-

• When did you see it last?
• Try calling it.
• Did you get it with you at all?
• Have you checked your purse?
• Have you checked your pockets?

SD of course, now bereft of all leadership skills, added his own useless piece of advice, viz,  ‘I told you to be careful’, seventeen times.  Mrs SD meanwhile, tried to shift the blame onto AG, who supposedly was the last person who had clicked a picture using her phone. AG baulked and pulled his ears back in his best approximation of a stubborn mule.

Thus, though we wanted to head hotelwards, seeing Mrs SD’s downcast face we had no choice other than to head back to our last stop, Udaygiri, with the faintest of hope that perhaps we may find the phone.

Fortunately, we had scarcely gone a few kilometres when Mrs SD suddenly shrieked, “GOT IT!” and started running, this time with joy, again hither and then, because she loved symmetry, thither within the bus, brandishing her phone. Apparently, she had been sitting on it all this while.

Obviously, a lot of ‘I told you so(s)’ followed with many claiming credit for the discovery, none more vociferously than (and bristling with childish righteous indignation), the now exonerated AG.

The next day saw us headed to Bhimbetka. Bhimbetka for those who don’t know has some beautiful cave drawings dating back to 40,000 years. It should have been an engrossing visit. I say ‘should have’ because one of us (let’s randomly call her Mrs SSP) had for some strange reason got it into her head, that she wanted to see a ‘Mahua’ tree. So her habit of suddenly stopping the bus every few hundred metres shouting ‘there, there, there’, on seeing Mahua trees where none existed, got a little tedious.

We had hired a guide here too. However, the poor guy was soon thrown off his well prepared spiel. Firstly due to the periodic interruptions by Mrs SSP (still seeking the elusive Mahua tree), and secondly having had to don the mantle of chief photographer. Add another 387 photographs. At some point he even said plaintively, “It seems you are more interested in photographs than what I am saying.” Fortunately, the ladies managed to look passably contrite.

And then we had our evenings. The hotel we were staying in had no Bar. Hence the two nights that we spent there would see us smuggle in some liquor, and order room service. It was not a very dignified gathering. (It cant be, what with 14 ladies and gents and a Queen bed squeezed into a room of size 12 X 10 ft. Seemed more like a human jigsaw puzzle. I distinctly remember with some unease for example, SSP periodically squeezing my hand amorously. Was it intentional? Was it accidental, mistaking my hand for his Mrs SSP’s?) I chose therefore to drink faster. Liquor does make things easier.

The entourage thereafter made its way to Ujjain followed by Indore. However, I will leave that for another day. The born leader, SD meanwhile having not yet recovered from the lost phone episode, left things to the leader who had leadership thrust upon him. SCV ensured a good time was had by all.

To this day however, while I recall the wedding chaos with nostalgia, I cannot shake off my suspicion wrt SSP’s motivations though.

And finally dear Reader, if reading this made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.