Quirky Indian Navy Customs – The “Call On”: Tea, Swords & Stripes

The Navy prides itself on the various, some would call them quirky, Indian Navy customs and traditions – most carried forward from the British, and long discarded by them. Examples include:-

• Welcoming a newlywed lady onboard a ship by hanging a broom on the halyards (ropes used to hoist flags on the ship’s mast)
• Crossing the line ceremony when the ship crosses the equator.  This primarily involves a sailor assuming the role of Lord Varuna (Lord of the Seas) and ragging the ship’s officers, (including the Commanding Officer), to much merriment amongst sailors. Basically, a no holds barred jam session. Lord Varuna’s favourites include making officers drink sea water or dunking them, or even making them do Bharat Natayam (a classical form of Indian dance).
• Saluting all ladies who step onboard a warship.
• Just raising glasses, saying ‘cheers’ and getting on with it. ‘Clinking’ glasses is considered a bad omen. Waste of time too.
• Congratulating newly promoted officers by pouring beer (paid for fortuitously, by the promotee) over their new stripes in a ‘stripe wetting ceremony’. This ‘ceremony’ has a hierarchy of its own. Senior officers, always dour, wet your stripes with a few droplets. As seniority drops however, the bonhomie increases (and so does the quantum of beer deployed). By the time it drops to the level of Lieutenants, an entire bottle per stripe is the norm, with another bottle or two being sent down your trousers (the contents, not the bottles).

I would like, however, to dwell on one of the particularly awkward Indian Navy customs – the ‘call on’.

A call on is nothing but a formal/semi formal visit to those senior to you in hierarchy, as a measure of paying your respects, on assuming Command of a ship yourself.

As with anything else in the Navy, this simple meet-and-greet, like many other Indian Navy customs, is not so simple. Firstly, you only call on seniors in Command themselves, not every senior officer. Then you do so not by the simple use of Alexander Graham Bell’s excellent invention but by making a ‘signal’ – a written communication. Response to the same will come via another ‘signal’, but not before an aide of the Admiral/senior officer seeks your bio data, in font size 48.

The bio data itself has a standard format listing your previous appointments, qualifications, achievements, etc; but also your hobbies, interests, wife’s qualifications and details of your kids. Embellishing the biodata by concocting suitably impressive achievements and exotic hobbies is not easy; especially for those who are not ultra marathoners, sky divers or mountaineers. ‘Listening to music’ while not as impressive, is still better than leaving the column blank; so I often went with that. 

A new Commanding Officer thus calls on all other Commanding Officers senior to him, as well as say the Commander in Chief, Fleet Commander and other officers heading important organisations. Calling on fellow Commanding Officers is largely an informal affair, where the primary attraction is free Heineken/Absolut/Beefeater/ Campari, a sumptuous meal and a couple of merry hours away from office. 

Calling on Admirals on the other hand is a formal and staid affair where you are counselled on what is expected from you. While I have learnt a lot about leadership, man management, good engineering practices, etc from my seniors during these call ons, the abiding lesson that I have imbibed, is to never ask for, strange as it may sound, a hot beverage. I’ll explain.

I picked this all-important lesson during my first call on itself as a Lieutenant Commander. It was to the Commander in Chief (CinC). Traditionally you see, the CinC gives a time slot of about 15-20 minutes for each Commanding Officer in succession. Traditionally also, he will offer you some beverage and some cookies/almonds/cashews.

This offer of nutrition will generally come at about the tenth minute. If you ask for tea/coffee the steward will produce the cup at about the 16^th minute. The CinC himself will, having already gone through innumerous call ons earlier, have nothing, leaving you a bit awkward; what with a steaming cup in your hand, but not a free second for it to meet your lips.

If the CinC is in the midst of a ponderous monologue on leadership, maintenance philosophies, or the importance of professionalism, it would be very bad form to casually sip your tea you see. If not, he would be firing questions at you on your priorities and focus areas. The answers to these have to be articulated carefully and garnished with imaginary KRAs, lest he conclude that you are a misfit as a Commanding Officer.

A few questions are also directed at you by the Admiral by discreetly looking at your biodata, kept indiscreetly, right in front of him in aforementioned font size 48. Most questions will come as soon as you lift the cup towards your lips sensing a pause in the conversation. As a consequence, ingestion of said beverage is substituted with bicep building, with the cup moving up and down, fruitlessly, many times.

Meanwhile you catch the CinC glancing at his watch and your unease increases. You now know you have only another minute or two, not only to impress the CinC with your chutzpah, but also to finish the damn tea.

 Leaving the cup untouched would be bad manners, so you try to gulp it down. As if by one of the wise Murphy’s many laws, the lesser the time one has, the more scalding will the blasted tea be. But gulp it down you must. Ultimately you manage to finish it just as the Admiral is wishing you all the best for your tenure. You mumble something through your scalded mouth and hasten out.

Lesson? Always ask for something cold; soft drink, fruit juice and some such like. Anything that can be gulped down quickly under time pressure is fine. Secondly, howsoever genial and ‘unclely’ the CinC may seem when he asks you, ‘what will you have?,” don’t ask for beer/gin/vodka as you would from fellow Commanding Officers. It, in all likelihood, would leave the Admiral stroking his chin and contemplating the intactness of your mental faculties.

Some senior officers (generally Admirals) like to carry these Indian Navy customs even further by insisting on a fully ‘formal’ call on.

This implies ceremonial dress and a ‘guard of honour’. The ceremonial dress unfortunately, also includes an infernal sword. I say infernal because while it does add a certain grandeur and oomph to your visage while standing, it is one hell of an inconvenient accoutrement when one is trying to sit down daintily, especially on the plush sofas that adorn an Admirals’ office. It has this amazing knack of either entangling itself around your legs and tripping you up, or getting under your butt thereby leaving you sitting like the Leaning Tower of Pisa (a primary cause of Sciatica I’m told).

So much so that one hand is needed only for keeping the uncooperative beast under control. Which implies that you are left with only one hand to handle challenges that a teacup AND saucer offer. (The skeptical may try it out.)  Hence ladies and gentlemen, only ask for something cold. That mercifully, eliminates the saucer.

Parting shot. Some Admirals, not satisfied with the 15-20 minutes love fest, insist on a ‘return call’. Return calls are always a formal affair wherein the Admiral visits YOUR ship.

Silver lining? This time, YOU can choose your plushest sofa for the Admiral, so that he is the one left sitting like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Promotions, though desirable, do not give as much satisfaction as choosing the sofa for the Admiral to sit on! To that extent, this Indian Navy custom is fun too.

And finally dear Reader, if reading this made you smile, please forward it to two friends who take life too seriously.

PS – For some more funny naval stories check out the links below:-

Unexpected surprise in the Navy ; Cars to Messes to Lungis

Never Volunteer in the Military: Hilarious Lessons via Dinners/NDA

Funny Navy Life Reflections. Movie for the Commanding Officer – Laughter is Life