10 Easy Steps to Becoming a Field Marshal : The Secret Diary of Asim Munir

Breaking – Pakistan Army Chief Becoming a Field Marshal Soon!

Occasionally, Governments of the world bestow the rank of Field Marshal, a largely ceremonial rank to retired Generals, as a token of recognition for their leadership skills, especially in combat. Names such as Rommel, Montgomery and our very own Field Marshals Sam Manekshaw and KM Cariappa come to mind.

LinkedIn Gurus tell us that working hard, distinguishing oneself in service and winning wars are some paths to success. Nonsense. Obviously, these Gurus have never heard of the much shorter and simpler way. The Pakistani way of becoming a Field Marshal (FM). You just anoint yourself. Like Asim Munir.

It would pay dividends therefore, to understand this simpler route. I was able to, fortuitously, take a quick peek at the dear FMs Diary, (updated as of today). So here goes.

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Step 1 – One Can’t Go Wrong with Dawood Ibrahim. Analyse Dawood Ibrahim’s cricket match fixing techniques and manipulate similarly, the election process to get a Prime Minister with an extremely flexible backbone (and this is important). This fortunately, considering the imbeciles who pass as politicians here, is not something that is overtly taxing. Then fill the entire National Assembly with harmless sheep by the judicious use of the ISI and other ‘establishment’ agencies. The doughtier politicians (and yes, don’t rub your eyes, there are a 4-6 of those), can be made to toe the line by a few encouraging kicks here, and Al Pacino style ‘offers he cannot refuse’ there.

Step 2 – Jail, Disqualify, Or, Jail and Disqualify . The doughtiest of them can be sent to jail – For example, Im the Dim (also called Imran Khan). That he leads the largest party is correct, but I say, pfft. I disqualified his Party. Naa rahega baans, na bajegi bansuri. (No flute without a bamboo). And say what you may about politicians, they are pragmatic enough to know that there are occasions in life when idealism is best kept locked in the stoutest safe. Hence, his supporters quickly sought greener (establishment approved) pastures.

Step 3 – Poke the Elephant. Should you sense matters going sideways due to general disenchantment of the citizenry with the Army, don’t panic. India may be larger, have a stronger Military and may even have the best ballistic missile in the form of Arnab Goswami, but just go ahead and poke the elephant. This shifts the Overton window.

Note – Overton window is the range of policies considered acceptable by the majority of a population. Poking the elephant shifts this window by mainstreaming the lunatics as acceptable role models in our society. A fight with the cowardly Hindu banias can always be counted upon to galvanise the Shahid Afridis and Miandads.

Step 4 – Dangle Visions of 72 Hoors. Fortunately, the Pak Army has just the right arsenal for doing this. Our terrorists. Possessing the IQ of a coat hanger, it is child’s play to convince these expendable dumbos that bliss and debauchery awaits them in heaven. And Bam! – You have poked the elephant.

Step 5 – Bunker Down (Don’t Forget the Biryani Though). Oops, the Indians seem to have gone berserk. Not to worry.  First, find yourself a nice safe five star bunker complete with Jio Hotstar subscription, and slink into it discreetly. Don’t forget to provision for a month’s worth of Lahori Mutton Biryani. Once snugly tucked away, let loose one comedian and two blithering idiots to brief the press.  (In retrospect, sadly, the comedian’s efforts only contributed towards helping the India war effort, as pointed out by a strikingly handsome Indian blogger, here)

Advise them to obfuscate like pros, lie through their teeth and make outlandish claims. A lie stated a thousand time becomes the truth said Goebbels, and these three worthies, must take that erudite man’s words to heart.  At the very least, our claims of shooting down more assets than they have in the inventory, would confuse the Indians.

Step 6 – Find a Scapegoat. Our Army is at best, a ‘force in being’ compared to the Indian Army. Be prudent therefore and let the PAF fight the war. This has the added benefit of shielding one’s own backside when things go, as is inevitable, haywire.

Step 7 – Waggle your ‘Bum’. When (not if) the Indians start getting the upper hand, you let it slip to the world, obliquely, that a nuclear Armageddon is a possibility, by talking about our nuclear ‘bum’. Our beautiful bum scares the world (read America) and phones start ringing all over the world.

Step 8 A – Claim Victimhood. Call the Prime Minister, especially when he is swimming, or at godforsaken hours like 2:30 am, and tell him we are getting royally and properly hammered by the infidels. Order him to follow the masterly steps of his brother Nawaz, and grovel before the Americans (Don’t worry about our all-weather iron friends. They, slyly sold us a huge steel wire mesh and called it a radar. That our unwavering faith in said friend’s technology, gave us buffalo dung on our face, is neither here nor there).

Once he has completed his grovelling, call up the Indian Army and seek a ceasefire. See the beauty here? If India does not agree, India can be painted as the aggressor against the ‘peace loving’, bum possessing, innocent victims of terrorism. If on the other hand, India agrees, tell the world India sought a ceasefire and declare victory. Victory, remember, is measured in shouts. Shout first, shout loud and keep shouting. This policy worked well for us in 1965, 1971 and  Kargil.

Step 8 B – Embrace Stout Denial.  At some point in time, it may become known that the shouted claims made by the comedian and two blithering idiots were false. I would recommend a policy of stout denial.

Step 8 C – A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words. Continuing from Step 8 above, tell the politicians and media buffoons like Hamid Mir and Najam Sethi, (who don’t know their posterior from their nose), that none of the numerous military assets smashed to smithereens by India, suffered any damage. Put out numerous large flex print outs as proof, with a small picture of the PM in the background and a large one of me with my well-trimmed moustache (better definitely than that of that permanently irate retired Indian General) in the foreground. Nothing will assure our citizens that we won, more. Our citizens in any case, are nincompoops.

Step 9 – Act All Heroic and Pompous. Pak Army Chiefs have in the past congratulated themselves after losing wars to India (and we have lost all) by giving themselves more medals and large tracts of land. These are piffling aggrandisements. One needs to go a daring step further.

Once the bombing has stopped, march out of the bunker – chest out, ceremonial sash/medals in place, and expression statesmanlike. Head straight to the Prime Minister and twist his arm (actually he will twist it himself if you look pompous enough); and demand that for his sagacity, exceptional leadership and for missing one entire episode of ‘Bigg Boss Season 273’ (on the aforementioned JipHotstar channel), the Army Chief (ahem, me) deserves to be promoted. This has the added benefit of putting the PAF Chief in his place too, who till now may have been planning his own promotion behind my back. The numbskull.

Step 10 – Act Humble. On becoming a Field Marshal, you then accept the great honour, and put out the following suggested humble tweets –

• @AsimMunirOfficial – ‘Pleased to promote myself, again. I wasn’t expecting it. Alhamdulillah’
• @AsimMunirAlsoOfficial – ‘Like’
• @AsimMunirAlsoOfficial – ‘Thoroughly deserved. Marshalallah!’
• @AsimMunirOfficial – ‘Like’

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Post Script. To us Indians, the promotion was as confusing as the claims made by the blithering idiots about the valiant Pak Home Guards striking a port in Bihar. Notwithstanding, Asim Munir becoming a Field Marshal threw up a rich harvest of memes, and I have picked up three of the best, as below:-

• Asif Munir tweets, tagging Asif Munir – Well done. Asif Munir replies to Asif Munir – Thank you (This and some more hilarious ones can be seen here).
• On rumour of an Army Coup in Pakistan after the promotion, Ila Arun just couldn’t stop herself and went cooing, in her throaty voice – “Coup, coup, coup…..”.
• “Congratulations to Admiral General, Supreme Commander, Prime Minister, Chief Justice, President, Chief Economist, Election Commissioner, Chief Chancellor, Executive Producer, Patron in Chief, National Chairman and Spiritual Guide of the Galaxy… His Excellency, Mr Aladeen/Allison Burgers for taking up additional responsibility in the next sequel of upcoming movie “Dictator 2”.  (https://x.com/khaledanam1/)

To conclude, if ever you need to win without fighting, promote yourself without hard work, or eat Lahori Mutton Biryani without interruption, just head to Rawalpindi. Failures are after all, nothing but stepping stones to Field Marshalhood.

PS – The good Field Marshal of course has a very illustrious Defence Minister working under him and you can read all about him below:-

Khawaja Asif Blunders- Viral Without Sitting in Deep Freezer Naked