Viral Ambitions and Ministerial Confusions: A Pakistani Comedy Act

In these tension filled moments between India and Pakistan, Mr Khawaja Muhammad Asif, the Defence Minister of Pakistan, stands out as would Arnab Goswami dancing the flamenco. He is unique. So unique that this post could well be titled Khawaja Asif Blunders.

Indians may not know the Indian Defence Minister, but Asif Saheb, everyone does.

Social media is full of people trying to go viral by doing commendable things like sitting naked in a departmental store deep freezer, licking toilet seats or even hugging an antsy tiger (That an argument ensued between the ‘influencer’ and the tiger which didn’t go well for the former, is neither here nor there).

Asif Saheb has sense enough not to do that. His only fault is that he is someone PG Wodehouse would describe as one who, if he has something on his mind, he will spout. That it might make his country look silly and/or dangerous never seemed to cross the same mind.

Not that he is a novice. He has been the Defence Minister more than once and has also handled other ministerial portfolios in the past. Unfortunately for him, the poor man has, perhaps unwittingly, become the butt of all jokes. Not by choice of course, but due to a curious medical condition which has made his tongue much faster than his brain.

Some have even unfairly titled him  the man of many blunders. Others have mistaken him for a standup comedian. Preposterous. I feel for him. On the plus side, his medical condition has contributed in no small measure towards making him a viral sensation; much to the delight of entertainment starved Indians.

Khawaja Asif Cannot Hear You

Asif Saheb was called for an interview by a Saudi Arabia news channel when the interviewer put forth a question seeking his response to Indian actions. The dear Minister looked gravely at the screen, tilted his head and paused. To the agog Pakistani audience, he gave all indications of one about to utter solemn words centred around Indian perfidy, India’s support for terrorism and the threat to world peace thereon.

What came out however, was, “Err, hmm, umm, I can’t hear you.”

The obliging interviewer repeated the question in a much louder voice. Shouted even. The Minister keenly aware that this should not become another episode of Khawaja Asif Blunders, nodded intelligently. He squinted his eyes, looking like that Class VI student who had the answer to the teachers question on the tip of his tongue, but couldn’t recall it. He then, leading with his large left ear, leaned closer to the TV and mumbled…

“I am sorry, can you speak a bit louder?”  The deflated interviewer, and I can’t blame her, gave up after that.

A meme fest naturally ensued. I particularly remember this one –

“Minister, can you tell me about the Pakistan Army’s priorities”

“I can’t hear you.”

“Minister, Biryani is ready”

“Yup. Coming”

It is All Over Social Media – Yet Another Khawaja Blunder

While elderly Uncles like me may laugh derisively at Social Media, it does have many followers (Asif Saheb being one), who believe that Social Media is as authoritative as Encyclopedia Britannica. In another interview the Honourable Minister was gushing about imagined victories of the Pak forces over India. Impressive claims about shooting down a large number of Indian fighter jets and drones were being bandied, which caused some confusion even amongst Indian military leaders.

But you know these damned pesky interviewers. They, with no respect for any Honourable Minister’s solemn words, demand evidence.

Now considering that all claims were based on his wondrous imagination more than anything else, one would expect that he would be flummoxed at this rather disrespectful dissing of his solemn words, right? Well, in that case, you do not know your a. from your e.

Asif Saheb on the other hand, had a very clear understanding of where his a. and his e. were. He, with all the confidence of a kid who thinks he can jump from atop a tall cupboard just because he is wearing his undies over his pyjamas, like Superman, replied, “It is all over Social Media!” His stock amongst Social Media junkies of course, rocketed sky high.

However, CNN grooms it’s anchors well. They are persistent.  She, reattaching her jaw which had fallen to her knees, asked Saheb in a tone that a primary school teacher would employ when speaking to a particularly dim child, “Sir, let me get this clear – you are the Defence Minister of Pakistan, and when I ask you for evidence of having shot down Indian fighter jets, your answer is Social Media?” Asif Saheb, bristling with righteous indignation, shot back – “It is all over Indian Social Media too.” Clearly he had a one track mind.

“Chinese Fighter Jets are not Chinese” – Khawaja Asif

The same pesky CNN anchor referred to above, giving further evidence of her excellent training, probed further. She asked Asif Saheb if any Chinese equipment had been used to shoot down Indian fighter jets.

Saheb, feeling that his first interaction with the anchor was already one too many, gaped a bit. After a longish pause, he responded, “No Chinese equipment. We have Chinese fighter jets but they are not Chinese. There was a dogfight using JF 10s and JF 17s, which are Chinese, but no Chinese equipment was used”.  

Sun Tzu may or may not have said this, but ‘strike with statements so mystifying that your opponent starts doubting his own mom’, was clearly Saheb’s mantra.

Some other Pakistani Parliamentarians however, were not impressed with Saheb’s unique take on matters. “If you don’t know English don’t go on international media”, said one such MP, Ms Zartaj Gul, rather uncharitably. “Don’t mock yourself, your government, and your state”, she added for good measure.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Some unwise moms have in the past, advised their children that ‘honesty is the best policy’. Wiser moms agree, but with a small addendum – ‘If denying everything first fails’.

On another occasion, faced with some rather uncomfortable and penetrating questions on Pakistan’s support for terrorism by a SkyNews anchor, Asif Saheb looked as lost as puppy being grilled on Algebra. Then, suddenly recalling the wisdom learnt at his mom’s knees, he blurted with the easy confidence of a man who knew that he had hidden the corpse well: “We have been doing this dirty work for about three decades, but other than that, Pakistan’s track record is unimpeachable.” 

The erudite Indian Foreign Secretary too, never one to let an opportunity slip, quipped :- “The Pakistanis have been doing a far better job of presenting India’s case than me.” Mic drop.

Obfuscation is the Best Policy

There is a wise old jungle saying – the best way to deal with other Parliamentarians is to confuse them. Taking this dictum to heart, Asif Saheb told his querulous MPs that Pakistan did not shoot down Indian aircraft/drones because the Pak formations didn’t want to reveal their own locations. “We attacked after they had completed their mission. It’s too technical for me to explain,” he added, which of course is politician speak for “I’m an idiot and if you are looking to me for answers, you too are idiots.”

Fortunately, the other worthies did not want to prove his hypothesis right and kept mum.

Conclusion

Thankfully, the Indo Pak tensions have simmered down now, at least for the time being. However, I can’t help but look wistfully at the comic relief provided by Asif Saheb over the past week or so. If I were to sum his performance up, I would say that it was a magnificent display of confidence by a somewhat dim-witted bluffmaster.   Yes, I should title this post as ‘Khawaja Asif Blunders’.

PS – To give the good man credit, The Defence Minister in Pakistan only works under the Army Chief. If you want to read about the latter, please click below:-

Ten Easy Steps to Becoming a Field Marshal: By Losing a War