Which animal is most human? A parrot of course!

Ever been to those water parks wherein sea lions and dolphins do those amazing feats? Jumping through hoops, dancing and the like – almost human like? While extremely entertaining, these shows also show the remarkable bonds that humans can build with animals. Humans over the past many centuries have trained horses, dogs and lions to obey commands. Some who chase the ‘different’ have similarly cooed to hedgehogs, armadillos and rats, cajoling them to do somersaults, balance balls and build castles.

If my memory serves me right there is even a ‘crocodile’ park, called Samutprakan, in Bangkok which is home to 60,000 crocodiles. Yes 60,000. One can see the handlers, do inexplicable feats such as willingly shoving their heads into the beast’s mouths. Google tells me that crocodiles bite at a force of 3700 psi. For comparison sake, a human bites at 160 psi. Now why would any sane man do such a thing (ie put your head into a crocodile’s mouth, not bite at 160 psi) is a mystery to me, but what is even more admirable is the perseverance of the trainer. How does he manage to train this pre historic beasts with a brain the size of a walnut? No doubt with generous helpings of meat as bribes, I think. And yet, one has to admire the foolhardiness of the handlers too. There is always the chance of a walnut sized brain mistaking the coconut sized human one for a bribe and chomping down. An ‘uh oh’ wouldn’t help then would it?

Dogs of course have always been man’s oldest friend and have been our companions for centuries. They give us solace when sad, companionship when lonely and fetch beer from the fridge to quench parched throats (the owner’s, not the dog’s). And what would travellers lost in a blizzard do if there were no St Bernards administering them the life giving tot of brandy? I am sure cat lovers too can always find something positive to say about cats.

But if you were to ask me, the most human like animal is the parrot. After all, can any other animal mimic human speech? Of course, as with anything else in life, this can be good (if you are Suresh Sakarkar), or it can be bad (if you are Janabai). Okay, this needs some explanation. Apparently, relations between Janabai, an 85 year old woman and her stepson, Suresh were a bit frosty over a land dispute. Ordinary humans would have taken recourse to the legal system to seek redressal. Suresh however was not ordinary. Or perhaps aware of the travails of Mr Lal Bihari (you can read about him in my earlier post here) he was not too enamoured with the Indian ‘system’ with its inherent delays.  Moreover, aware that God only helps those who help themselves, he decided to take action on his own.

Step 1 – Off he went to the market and bought himself a parrot. Named him Hariyal.

Step 1 – Took two years to train the parrot to utter a number of very colourful but unpardonable phrases, all with hapless Janabai as the target. (Two years! Full marks for perseverance, right? Wonder what his chosen pedagogy was. Repeated mutterings of nasty epithets day and night I presume. I feel for his family). Parrots, being well parrots, Hariyal soon got the hang of parroting offered teachings.

Step 3 – Let the parrot loose whenever Janabai was around.

The parrot, what with two years of practice, was yearning to exhibit his skill and getting into the mood of things would let go with gusto as soon as he sighted Janabai. Janabai, poor lady, having been brought up in a god fearing family, was prim, and naturally therefore, the colourful vocabulary of the parrot got to her. But she, unlike Suresh decided to trust the Indian legal system and promptly lodged a FIR with the police. How I wish I was there at the police station! I would have loved to see the expressions of the police Inspector as she narrated her grievance. 

I assume she would have told the good Inspector, “Hariyal is troubling me. He keeps abusing me with the choicest of expletives”.

“What expletives” would be his natural follow up question.

Janabai being prim would no doubt have avoided the actual words but remonstrated.

Inspector – “Okay where does this Hariyal stay?”

Janabai – “House No 1, Street No 3, Kadetotad Colony”

Inspector (while taking notes) – “Okay, who is this Hariyal”, while simultaneously signalling to his constable to haul him in.

Janabai – “Well, he is a parrot.” (One can picture the poor constable, stopping midstride, mouth agape, at this fascinating reveal)

Let us pause here to imagine the Inspector’s reaction. I have no doubt that he would have repeated “Who” at least three times, his decibel levels increasing with each incredulous ‘Who’. But apparently, he was a methodical man and decided to pursue the case to its logical conclusion. Accordingly, the constable, (still stopped mid stride, still with mouth agape) was dispatched to get Suresh and Hariyal to the police station.

If the above was a fascinating passage, one would need even greater imagination to picture the next scene at the police station.  Presumably, the good Inspector would have wrestled with his mind no end on the best way to cross examine the accused. I am sure there was a lot of hemming and hawing. Finally, however, he brought the two litigants face to face with the aim of watching the sparks fly under his observant eye, his ear agog for any offensive words. However, no matter how much he tried, Hariyal let out not a squeak, let alone unpardonable words. He merely sat there looking as innocent as a stuffed puppy. 

The good Inspector thereafter had to wrestle with the next simple question – “Can I arrest a parrot?” No doubt the newspaper headlines the next day were also playing on his mind, “Police Inspector detains a parrot”.  On introspection, he found that he did not like the heading one bit. That he felt his superiors would be none too pleased with him locking up a parrot without proof added to his predicament. He decided therefore that he could detain the bird no longer. However, not wanting a repeat of the complaint ever again, he thought it would be prudent to remove the parrot from the neighbourhood. Accordingly, the parrot was handed over to the forest department.

Now I ask you again. Which animal is most human?