All sources of media, print, TV and Arnab Goswami, spend humongous amounts of money/energy to bring you the latest news, analysis, and happenings across the globe. But you will agree with me that they all pale into insignificance when compared with, indisputably, the most reliable of them all – WhatsApp (Bless Acton and Koum, it’s founders). WhatsApp lends great credence to the saying that India is a country of 1.4 billion people with 2.8 billion opinions. We use WhatsApp groups of course to keep in touch and exchange wishes; but their primary allure lies in them being avenues to express our opinions, most of which are like the calculus we learnt in school. Useless.
We all know of course that each WhatsApp group has that one zealous soul who loves to spread cheer with a hearty “Good Morning”; complete with roses, hearts and namastes every day at 0530 hrs. Each group also has that one individual who likes to enlighten our minds every day with gems that make one, for example, ponder the futility of life, or be told that ‘a hug is more important than money’. (He should try to pay his electricity bill with a hug. That would teach him.) And if one wakes up in the morning and reaches for the phone to see a 100 messages, you would tend to get excited, right? Well don’t. It can only be someone’s anniversary or birthday. If that lucky guy likes to reply to each wish individually (and when I say individually, I mean on the Gp, not by DM), then the number shoots up to 200.
Indians are lucky we have 30 million gods. Mathematically, there is a dedicated God for roughly 47 Indians. No other nation can boast of such a healthy citizen to God ratio. On the flip side however, that many Gods make that many festivals. Every alternate day thus has a showering of ‘happy Bonalu/Chandan Yatra/Vat Purnima, etc etc and then etc). The intervening alternate days are filled with imports such as ‘happy valentine/Nose Picking (23 Apr)/ Work Naked (04 Feb)/International Happiness (20 Mar) /Galentine (yes Galentine, 13 Feb)/Plastic Bag Free (03 Jul) Days and some such. We thus go about gaily wishing our father/siblings/women ‘happy fathers/sibling/women’s day’, in groups they are not part of.
The more lively groups however, are those that comprise retired people. Giving these groups tough competition in liveliness are fauji groups. Put them together and liveliest of them all by corollary, are retired fauji groups. Retired faujis as the saying goes, know everything and have all the time to tell you about it. Sadly, for most such retired faujis, their eagerness for sharing their vast repository of knowledge is constrained by the fact no one is remotely interested. Their kids have left the roost so to speak, and their long suffering wives already having heard the same dreary thing a hundred times before, show a remarkable lack of indulgence. But what fate takes away with one hand, it returns with another, viz WhatsApp groups.
One of the favourite topics on these groups is how the Forces have ‘gone to the dogs’ over the years. Now I have heard this ‘gone to the dogs’ theory, ( have mentioned this earlier too, and those inclined can read about it here) innumerable times – as a very junior officer, a middle level officer and as a reasonably senior officer; spanning a total of 35 years in uniform. Logically, this repeated allusion to the dog theory should mean that the Forces are comprised by now, of just poms and labradors. But that is malicious and wrong. For we have pugs and bull terriers too.
Retired faujis have opinions in full but only half the facts and the longer one has been retired, the lesser the proportion of facts. We gloss over this by living under the false premise that opinions are indeed facts. Either which way, we all have a deep reservoir of the former on all the ills that plague our Forces, some real, mostly imagined. It is a different matter that we did nothing to address these ills while serving. Neither does it matter that the vociferously expressed opinions are practically as useless as a p in pneumonia, cause they remain within the group itself. But fulminating is free, right? So we fulminate. And we fulminate most thunderously when the talk revolves around our beloved, some say pompous and self-righteous, bureaucracy. They are blamed for everything – our falling inter se status, NFU, OROP, disability benefits, corruption, everything.
Another area that causes excitement in fauji groups is pension. Now we all get our pensions on the last day of the month. However, excitement over this mundane and predictable event starts around the 25th of the month. One member puts up an innocuous (but wholly unnecessary) message asking everyone in general whether they have received a sms regarding the forthcoming monthly pension. This harmless message stirs up everyone and fifty people reply with a, now worried, ‘No’. The same question is posted on all subsequent days by someone or the other. By the 28th one can sense that anxiety levels are rising. The ‘No’ is now supplemented with a discourse on the pathetic state of affairs at the pension disbursing authority, how the ‘older’ system was better, how the Forces have (there you go again) going to the dogs, the self-serving bureaucracy of course, etc.
By the 29th some members get the sms. This satisfies the receivers but creates hysteria amongst the non receivers. Receivers smugly start offering unhelpful tips like – call so and so, email the Health Minister, put it up on Twitter(X), check online, re-submit your life certificate, brush your teeth, etc. By the 30th /31st however, everybody receives his pension and all falls quiet on the western front, but only till the 25th of next month when the cycle repeats. That no one has ever NOT got his pension by the due date is lost in the general din.
Faujis traditionally have lived their lives in a somewhat conservative, stiff upper lip environment. Most faujis for example never having used emojis whilst in service (as such smart phones are frowned upon in the services) struggle with them. (I know I do). Retirement thus, brings forth new alluring horizons and unlimited freedom. This new freedom manifests itself in the rise of emoji champions. While I can never understand what the yellow pumpkin means, I suspect that neither does the sender. Mostly I feel, he just sticks an emoji that finds his fancy, like a garnish of dhania aimed at making the unpalatable tinday ki sabzi, palatable. Similarly, some members will make one wonder whether they had been brought up in a totally different education system by use of random abbreviations. And then of course, we have the kings of ‘abbreviations’; those busy souls who abbreviate even an ‘OK’ to just a ‘K’. My POV? IDK and frankly, IDC.
The most interesting member is of course the ‘forwarder’. This individual, having opened his phone in the morning comes across a forward of a baboon biting a man on his backside in one of his many groups. He finds it hilarious and perhaps under the mistaken impression that the world will be a better place only if he re-forwards it onwards, does so. Unfortunately for him, other early risers under the same mistaken impression have already beaten him to it. So, picture this – the group is in an animated discussion on the strategic impact of Chinese deployments in the Indian Ocean when periodically, out pop messages of said baboon and said backside. Still, that it is understandable. China with her propensity to cast a gloom in the Indian intelligentsia makes a comic forward lift morale. But what if the group is amid conveying condolences over an unfortunate death? A forward of the genus Papio biting a Homo Sapien between numerous condolence messages would be awkward, right?
The above two examples of misplaced forwards are just that – bad timing. But what about the forwards of fake political posts/memes? Mr Rahul Gandhi is the favourite here, perhaps undeservedly, but Mr Amit Shah is not far behind. Some helpfully add a caption – forwarded as received, thereby absolving themselves of all responsibility for spreading what are evident to everyone but the forwarder, poor fakes.
Most faujis, by sheer dint of habit read the newspaper every morning. Some however, believe that they are the only ones who do so and hence consider it their bounden duty to educate the less worldly wise. They see a news article, take a photo and forward it. Now I can understand if the forward is accompanied with their own pearls of wisdom, but no, its just that – a forward with nary a preamble. Yes, some do add, helpfully, a ‘hmmm’, or three question marks.
My theory about WhatsApp therefore, is to treat it like a good time pass tool to well, pass time. Go have fun. BSAAW G2G. Cheers!
Gr8 reading Rakesh. Good observation n nicely scripted in your own inimitable style. Let them keep coming, it’s always nice to read your blog.
Thank you very much Sir
Hilarious and also showcases your keen sense of observation. As useless as the P in Pneumonia.. 😜 😜. Too funny 😂
Thank you Mike. Wanted to quote the silent S in scent. But then realised that it might actually be a silent C!
Excellent, you have brought out the behaviour of everyWhatsApp group conversation whether fauji or non faiji. Very true.
Thank you Prabakhar. Yes, i guess all groups have many similarities.
Good observations and crisp comprehensible writing. Keep it up
Thank you very much Sir
What an apt and funny description. Loved it. Although most of from the sixties and the seventies are still trying to wrap their head around with all these new expressions, emojis, and abbreviations, I was fortunate of having experienced these abbreviations at a rather early age with my NDA coursemate sharing a room with me in Air Force Academy announcing one day that…..” During the hols, I am going to Cal to meet my sis…..”
I am sure we all get it now. But back then it required quite a bit of cryptography to decode it.
Cheers… Keep writing. Love it.
Thanx Raj. Once a friend asked me have you seen OAG. I was stumped. Turns out it meant An Officer and a Gentleman. Well I stumped him too by replying, IAGTS. I’m going to sleep. By God, he removed his slipper and ran after me!
Great one RKD…aa always you have fabulous sense of humour and eye for observation. Just that NDA lessons on Brief writing would make it more easy to read.
Noted and Thanx MVS.
Hilarious. RK thank God for what’s app else the retired old fogies would be such a bugbear for their spouses that many of them would end up ditching them. People spend more than half their waking hours staring at the screen. In typical Quixotic fashion they remain busy slaying their imaginary or worse fake demons. Incidentally if it was not for what’s app we would not have got to read this excellent piece also.
Thank you Suyash. WhatsApp is like a friend, a philosopher and a guide. Just post a query and you’ll get a correct answer, a funny answer and an absolutely unrelated answer. And yet it’s the glue that keeps us together
Absolutely hilarious Rakesh.. Loved re-reading the article.
I must appreciate your eagle’s eye for the details .
Keep writing 🌹
Absolutely hilarious..Loved re-reading the article…I must appreciate your eagle’s eye for the details..
Keep writing brother..
Hi Mir! Thanx a lot bhai
This blog is a matter of fact, especially your 7th para…what is spoken by any senior is to be taken as gospel, which is mostly full of ego created gas nothing to do with reality, one can only blame our career musical chairs game and false aura of senior knows all and he has the authority and power! Your observations on the SMS on the pension crediting date…is factual and hilarious, all these insecurities stem out of the culture of career musical chairs played all along the life.
So far his is the best observation of retired Fauji minds! In fact, i derive sadistic pleasure of unwanted month end conversation on when the pension is getting deposited!
Anyway get ready with your thoughts for an upcoming event of OROP3