Who has the toughest job in the world? Politicians of course!

A cursory Google search tells me that there is no unanimity amongst ‘experts’ on which jobs are the toughest/worst. But most lists would include the following (some tough, some worst):-

• The military. Obvious
  • Firefighter. Again obvious.
  • Policeman. Yes, this would cause Indians to raise their eyebrows.
  • Mortician. No ‘bring your kid to work’ days for them.
  • Telemarketer. Life has given them lemons, but no sugar and water.
  • Janitor. Unplugging toilets all day can really plug your zest for life.
  • Pet food taster. Yes, this is also a job. Woof woof.
  • Butcher. Their life is but ‘offal’ pickings.

But while there may be no unanimity about the toughest or the worst jobs, there in near unanimity on the least admired professionals in the world. The top five positions here would go to politicians. Quite unjustified. Their job, if you ask me, is the toughest of them all. The selfless fellows toil relentlessly, absorb barbs and insults with fortitude and serve the ungrateful citizens with devotion. Who after all, will lay down your life for the country, or use your money for uplifting the downtrodden? And that is not all:-

• They never get flustered. Take TV news. I don’t know how it is in other countries, but in India our news channels have this tendency of inviting minor politicians and heckling them on issues they have no clue about. But do they get flustered at the likelihood of appearing dumb? Never. Having keenly observed their composure under adversity, I think I have understood the trick. They have this amazing repertoire of three standard responses which tweaked with a word here and a phrase there, are used to answer anything. Like so:-    

• Blame the previous government. A penetrative question on the lack of adequate compensation for land acquisition can easily be responded to by pointing out that our first Prime Minister, allowed the Chinese to occupy our lands. No Congress party spokesperson can ever find a good comeback to that one.

• Harp on his Party’s limited achievements, howsoever unrelated to the topic. “What has the government done for drought relief?” is easily countered with “well, we gave you a magnificent temple.”

• Quote foreign interference. Illicit alcohol? Newly built building collapses? Allegations of corruption? Blame the Pakistan ISI. The TV anchor, always ready to start a war from the confines of an air conditioned studio, finds this totally unrelated train of thought interesting and readily latches onto it.

• They are amazing actors. Well, some like the following, literally are:–

• Hema Malini. She has done so many good things for Mathura that she can’t remember one.
  • Sunny Deol. He has a total attendance of about 20% in Parliament, has asked one question and has participated in no debate. One the plus side, he readily goes to war against Pakistan repeatedly, like other fellow politicians, on camera.
  • Kamal Hassan. His party is like his films; all roles are performed by him alone.
  • Bhagwant Mann. A former comedian he had once said – “If I get enough education, I can become an officer. If not, I can become an MLA or a minister.” And what is he now?
  • Shatrughan Sinha. He has exhibited athleticism of the highest order in his pet event – the triple jump. He hopped onto the BJP, then skipped to the Congress and finally jumped to the TMC. Ideology? Ummm.

•  Have amazing lung power. My research tells me that lung power is essential for both, becoming a party spokesperson, and, if you want to move up from the back benches. Politicians I will concede are generally polite individuals who choose their words carefully. But only till someone questions – in the case of the ruling party, the Prime Minister Mr Modi, or if he’s from the opposition, the Gandhi family. Lung power then comes into play, decibel levels touch 600 and bedlam follows. However, (and as I have pointed out in an earlier post here) today’s enlightened politician also knows that while lung power is necessary, communication is 70% non verbal. Hence, brows get furrowed, veins start popping, mouths get frothy and gestures get apoplectic; all in unison with raised voices.

• They provide daily doses of laughter to lighten up our drab lives. I recall our ‘Environment Minister’ being interviewed a few years back when the anchor threw him an innocuous question – “What is the government doing to encourage environment friendly products?”. One look at the sorry Minister showed that he had no clue. He looked like a kid who had prepared for a History test only to find the paper full of differential equations. Hoping perhaps that the anchor would forget what he asked, he gave a long pause. The anchor unfortunately, damn his peskiness, remained agog. “Well” he said ultimately, but convinced of the dramatic effect of a long pause, gave another one; thereby giving him time to scratch his head a bit, hem a bit and then haw. Until a brainwave hit him, “we believe in women’s empowerment………”. Now tell me, would any stand up comedian, or Arnab, be able to give us that delightful ache in the belly that excessive laughter gives us, if it weren’t for the daily dose provided by our politicians?

• They are altruistic – always eager to serve the common man. Should they not get a chance to exhibit this zeal in one party, they are ready to search for any other party that is willing to give them responsible (the unkind say lucrative) appointments.  If this is not altruism, what is? And what is this fuss about horse trading? Don’t we all accept ‘welcome drinks’ at hotels? How different is that from a ‘welcome token’ of a measly Rs 50 crores offered by the opposing party?

• They can adjust, are open minded and rarely get bogged down by small inconveniences like ideology or loyalty. They adapt to change easily, show flexibility of mind and a refreshing openness to new ideas/thoughts. A politician with the Congress till last week and spouting left/left of centre ideas can be seen the very next week being a proponent of the right with full conviction. Take one of our Chief Ministers. He has been sworn in as Chief Minister nine times; each time with a different supporting cast. It does get a bit confusing for his spokesperson though.

So, I will ask you again – Which professionals do you admire the most? If your answer is anything other than politicians, I would have failed as a writer.