What watching the Cricket World Cup has taught me

A match between India and Pakistan is in progress. Pakistan is well set at 150 odd for 2 and looking set for a 300 plus score. Indian spirits are flagging a bit. Just then our bowler takes a very important wicket. I get all excited and like most cricket lovers want to see slow motion replays of the action from various camera angles, the celebrations of the India fielders, the roar of the spectators, scenes of jubilation, etc. But no. The TV cuts instead to three middle aged stars in their late fifties, one with a pony tail, one bored looking droopy faced guy and one FOMO guy with a wig and loud shoes, all spouting – “Bolo Zubaan Kesri”. Say my tongue is saffron. What does that even mean? Still, better than “Jo biwi se kare pyaar………”. Can’t say that in today’s enlightened times.

Now I understand the importance of Ad revenues for the TV guys; they have after all spent thousands of crores for the broadcasting rights. And I also understand the thought process (and deep pockets) of Vimal Ilaichi which goes along the lines – if one movie star is a good thing, three can only make it better.  But seeing the same three middle aged stars in their late fifties, saying the same things every alternate over and after every wicket can get a bit tiresome. I am sure that after having seen the same three middle aged men five or six times every 15 minutes for 15 days, you wouldn’t fault my natural instinct which said, “Bhaad mein jaye Zubaan Kesri”. That I knew that this would continue for another 30 days was a testing time for my patience. And what is with this pointing at their eyes with two fingers? Could never get that.

Don’t we all think that the private sector always does things better than the public sector? Well not so with the RBI. They, with their immaculate insight decided to forgo all aspirants for superstardom (middle aged stars in their late fifties included) and go for the THE superstar – the angry young man for all times, Amitabh. Amitabh I learnt is a true ‘Jaaga Hua Grahak’ who is keenly aware of the various scams surrounding online payments. And he is adept at rendering  advice anywhere and anytime. All one has to do is say something remotely connected to finance and out will spring the angry young man from behind a newspaper exhorting you to ‘jaankar baniye satark rahiye’. Cute right? However, by the time Amitabh had told us 600 times that “RBI kehta hai”, I was fervently hoping that he would quit acting; at least in Ads.

Now, if the Vimal guys are fond of enrolling stars for their Ads, can the Kamala Pasand Pan Masala guys be far behind? Only in this case they opt, not for tinsel town, but for Gavaskar and Sehwag – both cricketing legends, both with artfully dyed hair. What we are being told is that people of all generations yearn for ‘anokha swaad’. Now most of us hankering for anokha swaad would go for some exotic smelly cheese or shark fin soup or some such like. But not these legends. They go for Kamala Pasand.  Of course, the Kamala Pasand management (unlike the Bolo Zubaan Kesari guys) realise that more of the same everyday can get annoying. So they very thoughtfully decided to throw in Kapil Dev (handsome as ever) and Chris Gayle onto the screen once in a while. For the record I love all four ex cricketers, but too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.  Two samosas can be yummy for example, but ten would give you a stuffed colon. There were of course some ruffled feathers amongst the perpetually disgruntled social media woke types on the harmful effects of pan masala and I am sure that these sporting legends would have faced some backlash. But I am sure that  a few crores in ‘acting’ fees would have smoothly overcome their qualms.

Which brings me to our Captain Fantastic Rohit Sharma. What a world cup he has had! Outstanding in his batting and captaincy. A true game changer and as per me THE major factor for our amazing performance in most matches. He literally took the bull by the horns during the power plays and smacked the living daylights out of the best bowlers. I feel for him therefore when he couldn’t wrap his hands around the trophy. But what I will remember him most for was his immaculate fielding wherein he took some real acrobatic catches –no,  not on the field, but in Ads; where he ‘just doesn’t fly but flies better’. He is of course a solid dependable fielder, but acrobatic fielding I suspect, is not his forte.  His general ‘portliness’ would reinforce this scepticism.  My son tells me that Rohit’s nickname is ‘vada pav’ in the dressing room. Now I have no reason to believe my son, he after all wears his trousers well below his undies (always a red flag for me in terms of knowledge of nicknames) but still, a certain likeness is unmistakable, right? The Emirates guys disagree of course. So they made the poor thing spring for a catch and dive for a run.

Anyway, moving on. Ever needed advice on matrimony? Of the ‘who would make a better husband’ kind? Or, ever been in a quandary over the right school for the snotty faced brat? Or even, where can one get the best chicken tandoori? Well, fret not, the correct advice will come from our Mr Dependable, our ‘wall’,  Rahul Dravid. He will eaves drop on your private conversations and accost you out of the blue with unsolicited advice. He seems convinced that the solution to all life’s travails is, well, Mak lubricants! He tells you that choosing a life partner is akin to choosing an engine oil for your vehicle. So please go ahead and check for viscosity, emulsification, sulphur content and specific gravity before you settle for the right Mr Right. A careful selection would reduce friction, heat and wear and tear that a marriage is susceptible to. Sane advice. Of course, he conveniently forgets to mention that such lubricants are changed every few months. Good luck trying that with husbands!

I could go on, but as I’ve said earlier, the learned have advised me that a post longer than 1000-1200 words is a put off. Accordingly, signing off. Cheers!