In the mood for some burglary? Don’t forget commonsense!

I think we can all agree that burglary is a valid source of income. It is egalitarian, redistributes the wealth amongst the have nots, and gives us vicarious pleasure when the rich are its victims. No wonder we all love Robin Hood. It is particularly conducive for making a quick buck without having to master cumbersome (and useless) educational degrees. I for example, am a science graduate and had in my schooling days, acquired a working knowledge of calculus, periodic tables, Boyles Law, and even imaginary numbers (yes they are real). Not once have I used any of that knowledge in my working life.

Try for example, answering the question, “what are your strong points” during a job interview with “inverse trigonometric functions”.  That answer I can assure you, will not impress the panel. Similarly so with History. History teachers, as we all know, are finicky about dates and hence I mugged up plenty of them. When did Vasco Da Gama come to India? Write 1497 instead of 1498 and you will score a grand total of zero on your answer sheet. But the utility of the correct answer? Nil. “Why do we even have history classes?” I used to wonder then. Primarily because I suspect, if it were not for History classes, what would all the History teachers do?

Now burglary on the other hand has no entrance test or job interviews. It doesn’t matter therefore if one cannot differentiate between gerunds and adjectives, trigonometry from geometry, or Pythagoras from Genghis Khan. Neither does success in this career depend on race, caste, creed or even sex. Burglars do not depend upon reservations or affirmative actions by the government. All that they need are wit, daring, and commonsense. Particularly, commonsense, because as we have all heard: common sense is like a deodorant. People who need it most, like the unfortunate Satheesh and Muniyan, tend to use it least.

I am sure you must the panting to know who Satheesh and Muniyan are. Well they are two hardworking common citizens from Tamil Nadu who, having perused innumerable classifieds, realised that their being unaware of the importance of the year 1498, would make them ill-suited for any job interview. They therefore expanded their job search criteria and having discounted milk/newspaper delivery as too simple for their intellect, zoomed in on the one vocation that almost seemed to beckon their enterprising nature – burglary. Notwithstanding, aware that all that glitters is not gold, they judiciously listed all the pros and cons on a sheet of paper so that they could arrive at an informed decision. The human mind perceives what it wants to perceive. Apparently, psychologists call it ‘motivated perception’. Satheesh and Muniyam, perceived with some motivation, that the cons were zero. Pros as identified by them included:-

• It was just like entrepreneurship; with the added advantage of not having to make elaborate PPTs for venture capitalists.
• It was immune to market fluctuations, interest rates, fiscal and monetary policies.
• Burglary did not tie one to a rigid office routine and allowed plenty of flexibility.
• Was not vastly different from retail therapy; without of course, the added hassle of having to pay.
• It had no HR asking them ‘where do you see yourself five years hence.’
• Lastly, they told themselves that they would not be doing anything that politicians or the super-rich don’t.

And thus, they set out on a successful career, collecting valuables for themselves while divesting others of theirs. The thing about burglary however, as I said earlier, is that one needs to have wit, daring and commonsense. Wit, they had. Daring too. Insofar as commonsense is concerned unfortunately, they were like those who needed deodorant.

So it came to pass one day that they, always on the lookout for an easy target, spied a liquor shop which their keen eyes told them was begging to be broken into.  Decision made, they took but a jiffy to burrow a hole in the wall and squeeze into the shop. They started rummaging for cash, but while the cash available in the shop was little, the quantity of alcohol was not. Disappointed at the meagre cash pickings, they thought that it would be in the fitness of things if they helped themselves to a few tots. You know how it is with alcohol, it tends to glide smoothly down one’s throat with each peg exhorting us to have one more. Satheesh and Muniyan too, having imbibed one peg each felt that they deserved another to compensate for their disappointments, and then another to boost their morale, and then another three – well, just for the heck of it. To cut a long story short, the sozzled duo soon lost track of time in the ensuing merriment.

Now if there is one set of people that burglars hate, it is pesky policemen. Unfortunately for the two tipsy entrepreneurs, two such pesky individuals happened to be passing by. Perplexed by the sounds of merriment coming from within a shop that was ostensibly closed for the night, they decided to investigate. Sighting the burrowed hole, they peeped in. The merry burglars, like genial hosts, initially invited the two peeping heads to join in and sample the excellent fare. The geniality was quickly replaced however, with glumness of the highest order, when they discerned through their grogginess, that the two heads were adorned with regulation police caps. You would forgive them for their indignation at the left hook that fate had thrown them.

The police on the other hand were dour beings and it was clear that they had never heard the phrase, ‘to err is human, to forgive divine’. They asked the duo to crawl back out of the same hole that they had used on the way in. To say that Satheesh and Muniyan made the egress in a far more sombre mood than the ingress, would be an understatement. The embarrassment should have been punishment enough, but the policemen, still unforgiving, charged them with sections 380 and 457 of the Indian Penal Code too. Drat!

Moral of the story? While wit and daring are excellent qualities to have, never undermine the value of commonsense.

PS – You can read the unembellished account here.