Humour with a Twist. Pool Parties – Fun in Abundance

You know how liquor affects different people differently? It’s the cause of, as well as the answer to most of life’s confounding questions. Some otherwise reticent individuals become the life of a party.  Some, quite ignorant of the vast gap between their capabilities and aspirations, become singers. Some others suddenly find reserves of courage and mental strength that they never thought they possessed. Well, my story alludes to the last category. A story which amply demonstrates that whiskey mixes well with everything, other than sound decision making.

While I was posted at Naval Headquarters, it was time to bid farewell to my boss, then a Rear Admiral (and later to become the Chief of Naval Staff) who was moving on transfer. As is the norm in naval circles, a formal dinner was planned in his honour by the entire ‘Personnel Branch’, in ceremonial mess dress. Now one brilliant guy from our office, perhaps well fortified with mind numbing quantities of alcohol, decided, on a whim, that it would be morale boosting for everyone and generate strong brotherhood amongst us, if we threw the Admiral into the swimming pool. Now you will agree that that was one hell of a, let’s say, unique idea, and in hindsight (which is always 6/6) maybe it wasn’t a particularly bright one.  But then have you tried reasoning with guys who have already imbibed courage inducing quantities of alcohol? We all, without the slightest bit of hesitation agreed wholeheartedly that the plan was of the highest level of soundness. The mob mentality that the alcohol engendered, deprived us of our ability to think through the consequences; and the fact that the Admiral was not someone to be trifled with was lost sight of in the general bonhomie that the idea generated.

 We all agreed that post dinner, and after all speeches were concluded, would be just the right time to put our plan into operation – our H Hour. Any lingering suspicions on the repercussions of this plan were eliminated with one final large peg prior dinner.  The excellent wine served along with dinner kept our morale well bolstered for the grand finale of the evening.

So dinner and speeches over, H Hour nigh, a group of six intrepid but somewhat tipsy officers marched up to the centre table where the Admiral was seated and without so much as an ‘excuse me’(in keeping with one of the principles of war, viz surprise), he was unceremoniously picked up and carried out of the dining hall.  All the other officers and ladies (numbering perhaps 150 odd) followed us incredulously, mouths largely agape. The Admiral himself, assuming it was one of those “he’s a jolly good fellow occasion” was initially the very epitome of a “good sport”. But as we lugged him out of the dining hall and then out of the main entrance of the Mess, his face, understandably, started exhibiting a kaleidoscope of expressions. Again in hindsight (which still remained 6/6), perhaps the alcohol as is its wont, hadn’t allowed us to think our plan through. Cause the pool was a good 150m away from the dining hall and by the time we had traversed about 100m our arms were sagging a bit. This in turn caused the Admirals rear end to started dragging along the road.

However, as those motivational speakers always say, strong convictions about the righteousness of one’s actions always brings forth reserves of inner strength. Plus selection and maintenance of aim being the primary principle of war, by digging deep into those reserves of strength, we willy nilly managed to reach the pool.  The Admiral, perhaps having gathered by now what our objective was, did utter a few stern commands to make us stop. But in a battle of seniority versus alcohol induced devil may care attitude, it was the latter that emerged victorious. And with one final heave ho, the Admiral was deposited into the pool – stars, medals, tunic and all. The desired end state achieved, we patted each other at the flawless execution of our plan. But then to our surprise, it seemed that the Admiral liked the bracing effect of the cool pool water and he actually invited all of us to join him. Lo and behold, about 60 officers did so.  Just imagine, some 60 officers swimming in the pool at about 2300 hrs in full ceremonial mess dress. Unbelievable right?  As an aside, one tip that I picked up from some unfortunate souls that night is to not dive into a pool with your car keys (the remote types) in your pockets. The keys start misbehaving and I saw a big group of officers, after the din had settled, dripping wet and twiddling their keys, stranded……

Sting in the tale….

I was Commanding Officer of a unit a few years later.  Now, as you may have deduced, I’m somewhat of a raconteur.  During one similar party, (again unfortunately near a swimming pool) I, unmindful of the consequences of narrating past incidents to an already tipsy set of youngsters, held forth on the above incident of sheer audacity and careful adherence to principles of war.  Those youngsters took this as a cue and here I was, about 30 min later being carried in the same unceremonious manner to the pool……. Well you can imagine the rest.