Everyday Life Comedy – Beware! Toilet Breaks can be Disastrous

This tale is about a Train travel gone wrong. Heard about the guy who needed a toilet break? It so happened that our man, with wife and kids in tow, took a train to Bhopal. Got off at Bhopal station feeling a bit stuffed in the lower regions of the alimentary canal. So, while the pleasures of seeing the magnificent Sanchi Stupa or the architectural splendour of Bhimteka in Bhopal could be delayed, that of the pressures of a stuffed colon could not. He needed therefore to find urgently, an um…… Toilet.

Now, being a frequent traveler, he was well acquainted with the unexplainable mixture of smells and sights that our public conveniences offer. Our man, not being in a particularly adventurous mood that morning, was on the lookout for some more staid and less stressful avenues when – Lo and Behold – he sighted a spanking new Vande Bharat train standing coyly, right on the opposite side of the same platform, almost seducing him forward.  Being a man of action and not wanting to waste this fortuitous moment, it was for him, not a moment’s hesitation before he decided to exploit this narrow window of opportunity. (How narrow the window was would become apparent to him only after a few moments of blissful solitude.) Into one bogie he dived therefore and sought refuge in a clean restroom. Well pleased with his great stroke of luck he was in seventh heaven as he got down to doing his business. Little did he know that this will be one train travel gone wrong.

The thing with trains is that they are burdened with something called time tables. Having enjoyed the sights and sounds of Bhopal Station Platform three; and having accomplished its primary objective of discharging and embarking some fine citizens of Bhopal, the train decided to move on. One quick sonorous blast of its whistle and it started forward with a minor jerk.

Simultaneously, our man too was jerked, quite nastily if I may add, out of afore mentioned seventh heaven. But remember he was a man of action? Comprehending the peculiarity of the situation life had thrown at him, he manfully constricted the sphincter, made quick use of the proverbial chain-attached-mug which epitomize our trains, and was out of the bathroom like a jack in the box; a bit crazy eyed, hair standing on end. He rushed to the bogie door, saw his wife with kids in tow looking anxiously at him; and yanked……. The blasted thing didn’t budge. Nonplussed would be an understatement of the highest order to describe his state of mind. Still, being a man of action, he, with the speed that would embarrass Milkha Singh sped across to the adjoining compartment, found the exit door, and yanked again. This door too, perhaps in solidarity with the previous one, didn’t oblige.

I recall, I after my tenth class, had set off by bus to Yamnotri in 1981. The bus had stopped for a tea break in the middle of nowhere, save the typical roadside dhaba favoured by bus drivers. I too had, like a few others, disembarked for a spot of chai biskut. Though well pleased with the chai, imagine my consternation however, when I came out of the dhaba only to see the darned bus already a kilometre down the road speeding away with my luggage! (A more detailed description of that fiasco can be found here)

The reason I bring this unrelated story is that even I, with my mastery of the written word, was finding it extremely difficult to describe the state of our man’s emotion. It would suffice to say that it was the same as mine outside that godforsaken middle of nowhere dhaba. Stamp feet in frustration? Did that. Pull one’s hair already standing on end in despair? Of course. Curse profusely? Like a professional. Cry helplessly? Profusely. Well, you get the trend……

Our man, having done all of the above, approached the TTE, hair still standing on end. The TTE, preening with the self-importance that a servant of the Government of India feels entitled to (you know how they are), was unimpressed with our man’s forlorn appearance and told him, disdainfully and without any commiseration, that the doors are automatic and will now open only at the next stop, Ujjain.  Further, not one to miss the potential pecuniary advantage for self and for the government exchequer added – “Aur tumhara ticket kahan hai. Fine lagega, double”. (Where is your ticket? You will have to pay a fine – double).

Our man, recognising that while a bit short on dignity, he was completely short of a ticket, rued the boomerang that life had thrown at him with some vim. The awkward situation his colon had put him in, left him with no choice but to pay the Rs 1020/- demanded. Got off at Ujjain and took a train back to Bhopal. Another Rs 700/-. Quite an expensive toilet break, what? And imagine the poor guy’s predicament – he had to explain the situation to his wife (kids in tow) still at waiting at Bhopal Station Platform No 6.

PS – Those of the academically inclined can read about the unembellished account about a train travel gone wrong in TOI, 21 Jul 2023, Hyderabad edition.

PS – For some more on the peculiarities of Indian train ‘conveniences’, please click below:-

Nostalgia on Rails: A Hilarious Journey Aboard the Indian Train